My Sisterhood is Changing....

Motherhood is not a silo experience.  

Not in my world, not in the way my children have experienced life.  I'm understanding more and more, my sisterhood and my life, are changing.

A few months ago I wrote a post about the juggling that happens in motherhood.  I thought it would be a light release of all the things related to ordering your inner and outer world.  I used the language that was freely used in my circle to define the special crazy that is being a mother.  I didn't expect what came next, a reminder that change is the only constant. 

I have 3 children at three different schools, they ride three different buses, for three different start times.  No pity necessary, but it is the lens that colors how I view life.  The sisterhood has always been another way to view life - sometimes being reminded how much to be thankful for or how much laughter is necessary when I've managed to lose my way.  I'm thankful for my sisterfriends and the sisterhood that supports me in this journey.  The sisterhood is just changing.

My mother was famous for saying, "Life isn't fair, the sooner you learn it the better you'll be."  She also said, "Everyone isn't going to like you, you better figure out how to be your own best friend."  I didn't realize then how hard she had to parent a bit of a sensitive child that was attracted to justice, equity and a belief that life should be full of roses.  The reality is even in my earliest of days, she was teaching me lessons for the future.

In my Christian walk I am reminded, we were never promised life without pain or hardship.  Motherhood is a very special club and I have evolved to understand, your circle can change just as your life changes.  Change can be necessary and difficult all at the same time.  I just believe firmly, the journey is made better with true friends. 

If you read my posts, you'll know that I have often talked about my wife reality, from Domestic Sexy to things I just don't understand, like the Fear of Laundry completion.  None of those things defines life overall, but I think the reality of being a mother and being a wife are elements of the same story, my story.  I couldn't be the mother that I am without having my husband, the one that accepts my flaws and knows my heart.   I am also a better mother because of the truest of sisterfriends that continue to build my experiences in this journey.

I was blessed with an unexpected post about my philanthropy during this August celebration of Black Philanthropy month #BPM2013.  The questions made me reflect on my work and my dreams, in addition to my understanding of motherhood and this sisterhood.  I have been blessed with Aunties, Godparents, Grandma's, Granny's, Women of the Church, Neighbors, Parents of the Kids friends, 2nd Family Members, etc., to round out that support network that allows so much more than I every realized.  You can read my Ms. Eva post to learn more. 

No matter how complex life gets, there should always be... 

1) Someone who knows your heart, and loves you anyway.  

2) A sisterhood that holds you up, at your best and at your worst.  

3) A group that shares your values and aspirations.

4) Someone to travel with and a family to play date with. 

5) Someone who can run faster, jump higher, cook better, excel quicker than you.  Aspiration and competition work hand in hand, when you encourage and acknowledge each other. 

I don't know how mothers make it work.  I'm not certain how you handle your mama schedule, mama lessons, mama date nights and mama friends.  I do know, if you are one of those life altering anchors or very special ride or die friends, I hope someone has told you thank you.  Life changes, your sisterhood may change, but the need for "your circle" should not change.  Today I'm wondering, how do you handle the changes?

The Mama Sisterhood

MOTHERHOOD is a Club....

and you have to respect the Mama Sisterhood! 

Noah at the Drumline Performance.

There is a good reason why I'm inclined to identify myself as a mother, but I don't often reference being a wife - in many ways they are intertwined.  If you read my posts, you'll know that I have often talked about my wife reality, from Domestic Sexy to things I just don't understand, like the Fear of Laundry completion.  None of those things defines life overall, but I think the reality of being a mother and being a wife are in my life elements of the same story.  I couldn't be the mother that I am without having a husband.  I grew up with a mother who encouraged excellence, set an extremely high bar, did everything she could to give me the advantages of my peers, and instructed me that education was a tool for moving beyond what I could see around me.  She also did everything, in essence, by herself.  In a conversation earlier this week I was reminded of her struggles to navigate a rocky landscape for my brother and I, and the many differences that exist in our lives, and our life choices.  The reality is even in my earliest of days, she was teaching me lessons for the future.

MY REALITY

Music man exploring options.

I love to SMASH - no not just eat good food, but Smash my memories in scrapbooks, journals and the latest of my obsessions, SMASH Books that allow for a more impromptu collection of experiences.  What I have realized, largely because I take pictures on the fly, (and I have yet to start a KickStarter campaign to fund a new camera)....my photos don't tell the full story.  I look at our changing landscape and I fight against this notion of "it takes a village," because I believe you have to be responsible for YOUR own village, before the village can help.  I know that sounds unclear.  Before I realized the need for additional help, and the benefit of quality support, I recognized that it took two to make a thing go right - at least in our household.  I'm not as strong as my mother, as independent as my mother, as well paid as my mother (who had 1 degree less and a wealth more natural talent) or as selfless as my mother. I thought from day 1 - I need long term help, as in the kind that means you are there every day, in every way.   God then blessed us with Aunties, Godparents, Grandma's, Granny's, Women of the Church, Neighbors, Parents of the Kids friends, 2nd Family Members, etc., to round out that support network that allows so much more than I every realized.  You can read my Ms. Eva post to learn more about my circle. 

MY REFLECTION 

This is not a dad high 5 post - although fatherhood is a topic that matters to me dearly.  Sometimes it keeps me up at night.  It is a personal reality check, however.  I can sponsor a Jack and Jill event for 2 age groups to see Drumline, because my husband supports the endeavor and has only a minor cringe when I communicate the cost.  I can be there for the track meet events, because I wasn't there in the morning seeing that everyone made the bus and had breakfast, many mornings he does that.  I can take a kidlet to explore the arts, because the other kidlet is at Basketball practice with his father.  When I was growing up, the equation wasn't so simple.  Heck, this is our life and it isn't simple.  We have gone from man-to-man to zone, and we've been working for 13 years to figure it out.  This Mama Hustle is absolutely no joke, but I am able to be a better mother because I have permanent assistance, in the kind that comes with having a full-time father in the home.

MY REQUEST 

The days I hope I remember always.

It has been an emotional week.  If ever I could have a therapy fund this might have been a good time to use it.  I reflected on the things that I wanted to do, wanted to try, aspired to experience....and I thought of my mother, my aunts, my grandmother doing all that they could to make it so.  I used to be so much more critical of the choices of others - because I just had not lived long enough.  I get it. I get it. I get it.  We all make choices, we all do the best that we can, we all dance the dance of life and navigate the circumstances as they change.  In pursuit of joy, and in an effort to find my joy, today I celebrate children, motherhood and the support network - yes the village - that makes a difference.  I wanted to scream this morning when I had a small self-reflection about how people don't realize what you've done in trying to make a difference in the lives of others....and then I looked more deeply in that mirror myself.  We could all do a better job of recognizing how we, "Make it Do what It Do!"  Motherhood is not a silo experience, not in my world, not in the way my children have experienced life.

So - Willy Wonka has a local premier tonight - got a kid in that.  Divisionals for swimming - got a kid in that.  Studying fractions and echoing short answer questions - got a kid who doesn't even realize he'll be doing that, or no football this season.  More importantly, however - I think I'll hug a little deeper, snuggle a little more intently, smile as I taxi, and say a prayer of thanks - this life of motherhood, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Well, funding that life should be done differently....but that is indeed another post!  How do you make it work?  How do you perfect your mama schedule?  What lessons have you carried from childhood?  How do you do life differently for the sake of your children?  Who would you thank for helping you become the mother that you are?  or are you one of those life altering anchors that makes some mother thankful to have that unyielding support?  If she hasn't said it lately, THANK YOU.

Next Generation Workers...The Telecommuting MYTHs

The news is in a complete buzz about the recent decision to eliminate telecommuting by none other than Yahoo.  There is some clear irony about the idea of a technology company mandating a physical presence in order to assess work performance and re-orient their working world.  The implications for the decision will largely resonate with two audiences of particular importance to me, working mothers and those who currently have some level of telecommuting arrangement.  I hope that Yahoo's decision doesn't cascade into the minds and strategies of those businesses that understand working from home, and those that actually get it right.  

In my career I have spent large amounts of time as a consultant and strategists, often having a mobile office that went from place to place.  When I first became a mother, I had no idea that I would later decide that I did not want to work 70 hour work weeks on average, a standard that I had created.  I am so thankful that I worked for a Board of Directors who were both insightful and good business people.  Flexibility is key for many professionals who give above and beyond what any one person should be asked to do within one job assignment.  I know that I have friends and peers who currently balance what should be the equivalent of no fewer than 3 jobs.  Flexibility allows the priorities of life to someone blend into a more effective balance, and it allows for the use of time and resources in more innovative ways than being tied to a desk.  There is no question what side of this debate I support. 

How many people are tied to their smart phones, making the dumb decisions to answer every call and every email, even when sent at inappropriate times?  How many of us recognize that we have conditioned people within our professional circle to expect replies and follow-up instantaneously, when we have different priorities or work that should be done away from email?  How much of this current debate reflects a lack of clarity about job performance, metrics and evaluation standards - and not some ill conceived notion of a colleague sitting at home in their bathrobe taking calls, while drinking lattes and watching TV?  For those who seriously understand and have experienced working from home, you know that reality is much different. 

Working from home, in many ways mirrors working for yourself.  You now have the freedom to start your day at the earliest possible hour and end your day at the latest possible hour, in an attempt to best serve your employer and to demonstrate you have earned the flexibility given.  That also means you are highly self-reflective, evaluating your value, contributions and achievements on a regular and consistent basis.  While I can only imagine that somewhere someone is taking advantage of the system, there are countless others who prove the importance of flexibility, trust and performance in the marketplace. 

With that said, office time can be overrated.  While I am particularly blessed with a tremendous set of colleagues to work with, someone should also study the time wasted within the course of the standard work day.  The number of activities and initiatives to build staff connectivity, might be better spent allowing people to connect with their own families.  A good working relationship doesn't mean that you spend every holiday in celebration, celebrate every event with food or foster team-building by mandatory time together. Team-building can be an important aspect of any work environment, and it starts with a respect for each persons contributions, skills and talents.  We could eliminate a fair amount of activities if we simply held performance in very high regard.  The value of time is lost in our society. 

Job-Sharing, Telecommunity, Virtual Offices and a regard for online operations matters in today's society.  Being an effective team player doesn't mean you see my face each day, it should mean that you see my value.  At least that is what I hope.  I am reminded on this day to not only be thankful for good leadership, but to also be persistent in what true communication and dialogue is all about.  If we put down our phones, walked away from email, stopped a hyper sense of organization based on technology, maybe we could foster a real conversation - about productivity, work/life balance, and achievement.  Those things matter regardless of where you are working from.  Maybe it is a bigger question, who are we working unto....man, or something, or someone, greater! 

What are your thoughts?  Share your comments - as long as you are not wasting work time doing so.  

Seeking Joy

The 6:30 a.m. prayer call required boldness in God today.  I was feeling anything but bold.  It should have come as no surprise that on the day that I was feeling anything but bold, fierce or phenomenal I heard by name called to pray.  This was an opportunity to walk in faith and a reminder that it isn't about how you feel at any given moment.  I thought I had pretty much walked away from writing, journaling, aspiring, seeking....I just started walking away, a trail of resignations in my path. 

I don't believe in having a mid-life crisis, I don't believe in speaking those things into existence.  With that being said, there is something going on.  So I look at a poem my father sent to me that screams at me daily, "Do It Now" by Stephen Grellet.  I wonder to myself, do what.  My commitment to blogging and journaling this time around is in pursuit of figuring out what now.

A proud mother of three incredible kidlets, my life has been largely defined by raising wonderful people.  Somewhere in that process I lost a bit too much of myself and started realizing that the pursuit of joy was a lost art.  I received a text from a friend recently that said, what have you done today to find joy?  My response was, nothing.  I have done nothing to find joy recently.  I'd like to change that today.

Wherever you are in your journey, no matter what road you are traveling, I'm wondering how are you finding and defining joy.  At this season of life I have gotten a bit too lost in the activities, actions and motions of life, without paying great attention to the overarching themes that matter.  I have gotten a bit lost and writing has typically helped me to find my way back home.  Today, I have made the decision to do it now, although I'm not sure what IT is.  I'm going to write more.  I'm going to whine less. I'm going to work on centering myself to find and seek joy.

Early in life I said that I wished that people had been more honest, more transparent and more committed to telling the truth about life.  Life is hard.  I had a mother who told me life was not fair and then encouraged, "the sooner you learn it the better you will be."  I have by many accounts a wonderful, blessed life, that has been filled with favor and guarded by the prayers of generations of women that have come before me.  As a realist, however, I recognize that somewhere in the journey I have lost my way a bit. Have you ever lost your way?  Have you ever experienced dancing so fast you lose the soundtrack of your life?  That is where this entry finds me today. 

A lover of arts, wine, music, writing, words, children and personal connection....walk with me a bit as I reignite my personal efforts to move beyond being, A Work In Progress.  You might say aren't we all a work in progress?  Maybe.  I just think there is more joy to be found, more work to be done and more reflection to live this life that I've been given to the fullest.  I'm on a quest to remember what I love, explore new things, look forward more often than I look back, and leave my past firmly in the past.  I'm seeking joy...before it is simply too late to find it.  Join me.  I'd love to have company on my journey.

She's not so little...anymore

I have managed to not blog for nearly 6 months. The admittedly long silence was an opportunity to reconnect to why I enjoy writing at all. (Escapism 101.)  For at least a season I had lost the fun of random thoughts made live - in exchange for a hot political debate that was getting more and more fierce each day.  I was sick of it really - I had settled into my belief that real life was more relevant than the political jab of the day, and there were times it didn't matter who voted what at all.  After all - at one of the most historic times in my lifetime, there were days when I just resigned myself to the nasty comments and race bating that would fill my inbox and my comment section.   Today's reality is much more fun than the status of the economic stimulus plan (or Michelle's choice to go sleeveless) - my little one is 9 years old, and I think she still loves me. 

So, I have a 103 temperature - which is why I have the luxury of blogging at all.  I have been told that I basically can't do anything and forced to stay in bed for at least 3 days.  The Doctor asked me if it would help if she wrote me a sick memo until Wednesday - and I responded that I was self-employed.  With the saddest look I've seen on a medical employee as of late - she just shook her head and said she was sorry.  Try to stay in bed for 3 full days she said, and don't go out on Monday.  Yeah, right!  

Even with little energy the last thing anyone wants to be told is an extensive short list of what not to do.  I mean really - I'm fine.  (Well, in about 15 minute intervals I'm just fine.) I was pleasantly surprised when Little Miss had pity on me today and spent the beginning of her morning curled up with her mom. She's been exposed to all kinds of flu germs, and we've updated her profile on New Moon, laughed about a really bad teacher she used to have, and debated what videos are of interest for her profile. (We opted for a very short cheerleading clip.) It was nice to be reminded when hormones aren't raging that she is just a much bigger version of the young lady that used to make me smile 24 hours a day. 

Nowadays there is a regular debate about school work, clothing choices, study habits and puberty - followed by an obligatory check that she's isn't ready to elope or anything.  The conversations that I overhear at school about who likes who is enough to make me recheck how fast young people grow up - but I do remember my first crush. (and yes, it was in 4th grade.)  Armed with all of this traditional frustration - she caught me completely off guard today. For more than an hour she just cuddled up and reminded me of a time when it seemed as if nothing else in the world mattered.  I was reminded about why I love being a parent, but more specifically why I love being her mom.  She's funny, thoughtful, has a wonderful vocabulary, and goofiness is at her core.  My beautiful little bean pie isn't so little any more - but what a blessing to be reminded of her essence. 

Leave it to me though, I could relate this all to politics again.  It's a bit funny to watch people debate over Michelle's arms when I laugh to myself - we have a Black first lady.  It doesn't capture all that she is, but it is indeed reflective of who she is.  Every time I see a reporter gush over the first family, I think to myself - I've got a really great first family all my own.  And while America looks at the first family as some oddity of all the right forces converging at once - they look to me to be ordinary at times.  And maybe because I can see them as ordinary, it leaves room for them to be extraordinary as they so often are.  

Just like my LydiBean, who opted to be extraordinary and normal, all at the same time today. 

Celebrate Today!

There are no little events in life, those we think of no consequence may be full of fate, and it is at our own risk if we neglect the acquaintances and opportunities that seem to be casually offered, and of small importance.
~ Amelia Barr

I was feeling the pressure to write, produce, and be more today... I settled on the simple reminder that 4 is only four once - and it lives not within my fingertips, at the command of my computer or in the never ending schedule
of obligations contained within my mind.

And for one who believes herself to be one who encourages, lifts, embraces,
and befriends fiercely - the cheerleaders for everyday motherhood and the ability to simply be - are a dying breed. Unlike a "vacation" reminder in my email options, maybe my life should often read - "busy today. trying to live it. life." But affairs of the heart are rarely as succinct as their authors lonely attempts to capture them.

Back to School BLUES.....

I have a paper and pen fetish so I understand with no lack of clarity that my children like school supplies. I'm trying to renew their interest in school as well.

The kids see the ritual of securing Wide Rule Paper, spiral notebooks and an assortment of writing utensils in the same way I used to have "Trapper Keeper Envy" as I walked the aisles of the stores in the 70's. I can remember 30 some years ago, praying that my grandmother would take me school shopping - because she believed in new everything. Toss out the list sent by the school - my grandmother brought new underwear, slips, socks, undershirts, multiple versions of all school supplies imaginable and an assortment of hosiery, purses, hair supplies and earrings too. She didn't believe in new schools too much though, she picked a team and stuck with it. Being prepared meant something very different for my grandmother, as my mother figured out how to pay tuition. (A tradition my grandmother started with private schooling...)

I would hope for my mom to embrace the basics, but I relied on my grandmother for all of the cool choices, including my 2 pair of back of school shoes. I had a difficult elementary life after all - one had to be prepared. On this year's shopping list for said 4, 6 and 8 year olds... a Brand New School. A Black one this time! Thus, I break my week long silence for the Back to School Blues.

We attended a predominately white Christian school for two years, and I must have said 1,001 times, "at least we have the love of God in common." Well, not quite so fast - after two years and a boat load of heartache, we made the switch back to what we know. Our only reason for ever changing schools was a relocation that meant we had to make a new selection. Prior to that we would annually do a cursory scan of the environment in our home state, check test scores, compare tuition, and confirm in our mind that we had made the best possible choice. My husband from a public school background and my lifetime in private schools makes for a great combination. One new realization that we've added to the mix - Diversity does Matter, and saying we have God in common doesn't really cut it when you're alone, isolated and repeatedly subjected to the Caucasian Card. (Yep, when race cards really don't apply and cluelessness rules good sense.)

Anna Quindlen writes an intriguing fact of life article regarding being Black in American, in the latest edition of Newsweek - something that my 8 year old daughter can relate to. It is really pretty bad when a 4th grader understands the peculiar challenges of being Black in a white world, something lost completely on her clueless teacher for the last year.

The tough stuff builds character the article goes on to say, but how much character do you need to build at age 8? We went through more than tough stuff, we went through a regression of resilience, high performance and a strong resolve for science achievement spiraling down the drain. For what? Teasing, lowered expectations, why doesn't your hair (just fill in the blank), you can't be my friend, "I don't see anything wrong", MESS! I was hoping for a great command of the English language, the ability to multiply 3 digit numbers, a practical application of the Scientific Theory...but what we got was a crash course in the difference between being white and financially elite, and being working class and invested. We didn't fit in. The two are not the same

We value diversity and made the mistake in thinking everyone appreciates the value of a classroom more representative of the real world - false assumption. We have effectively traded in the joy of "don't label anything, drive through drop-off and pick-up, room moms akin to the mafia hierarchy, and more 1/2 days than the world knows what to do with" for a starkly different experience. The private Black School experience merits a blog post. Imagine that...they actually want our children. They want our volunteerism. They are invested in keeping us there. We like that change - but there are differences.

1. There will be lots, and lots, and lots of homework. Why? Because the Black private school ethic is different. There is an urgency in good education. They believe that children can, should, will and better learn. I was used to being told that children should play and be children...but it didn't work. While my daughter was busy being a child, she was regressing from a teacher who expected nothing from her and rewarded her occasional compliance.

2. Expectations are different. When a child who scores phenomenally on standardized tests and receives a final term grade of a C with a crack pot - well it makes you wonder. Communication at a parent level is different when the school has a partnership with you - when you are a number that doesn't really matter - you are told, "no one has ever looked at a 3rd grade report card in real life." I still wonder if that is something any intelligent person should tell a parent paying for education.

3. You label, well everything and the kitchen sink. No lie, we labeled for more than an hour on Sunday and I'm still believing there is a pencil, folder or paper clip that escaped our home without a Sharpie or label imprint. This is definitely in stark contrast to the "group supplies" approach. But, I think I'd rather label all of my Target, Walmart and Staples loot - than have my child labeled, or be labeled as "one of those troublemaker parents." (My pic is probably in their office!)

4. Electronic prowess. I have landed where there is a clear and consistent expectation that my children will believe in their value, their ability to learn, their level of excellence and their obligation to show it. We'll just have to do it sending SOS signals. When I got a supply list that included a disposable camera, I was grieving the days of digital camera access for every administrator and staff member in each classroom. I may have to do just 1 PTO fundraiser, just 1.

And although I could easily go on - it has led to Back to School Blues. Not because I mourn the routine or being away from my kids - I don't. I mourn the experience of families like ours in environments where their children are not encouraged, educated or esteemed. Sure, I know that there are failing school systems everywhere - we moved from Detroit mind you. But, there are still others, paying for and seeking alternative education with marginal success. Although we paid to attend one of the schools perceived to be a tremendous community asset, we'll be countering the negative impact for years to come. I wonder how many others are in the same boat?

We teach our children, embrace being their first teacher, pay for access to the "best and the most recognized" ...only to realize all that glitters is not gold. I'll sacrifice some of the nuances that I will admittedly miss, to eliminate the nuisances that were slowly eroding the potential of a tremendous kidlet. I am thinking simultaneously about Akeelah and the Bee and the swim movie Pride - and I believe that both will serve as entertainment this week. Before we prepare children for this wonderful "melting pot" of experiences that will await them - we must invest in their demonstrated understanding that they are high achievers, wonderfully gifted, capable of all things. As Anna Quindlen noted - they get tougher because of what they go through - but they shouldn't have to be battered black and blue by insensitive and unskilled teachers to learn. For some child and his/her family this school year - they'll be battling more than academic achievement this year. They'll be battling for their esteem - and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - no matter what race, socio-economic group, religion, whatever. (except the haint that tried to steal my daughters' esteem...I can think of a few choice battles she rightfully earned.)

Being Female, Black and Valued

I heard an interview with Carolyn Mosely Braun recently where she talked about leaving politics behind, and returning to her first love - agriculture. As I listened intently to the story, the issue of politics was of course brought up again and again. I was surprised to hear Carolyn indicate that she felt gender had been a bigger barrier than race in her own political career - as I had all but drowned out the rants of the Hillary Clinton supporters that I had heard sling mud on Barack for the entire Primary race. Yet, the more I discuss the issues with my counterparts and my peers, the greater concern I have that I have simply lost my ability to see what life should be like - vs. exactly what it is like.

As a community organizer early in my career, I learned about the power of people. That simple lesson has guided the work that I do in organizational and resource development, and has been as important as my formal education and advanced degree. So, I was struck again about the plight of being Black and Female and Valued when I learned about the case of LaVena Johnson. She was a 19 year old private in the Army, serving in Iraq, when she was raped, murdered, and her body was burned--by someone from her own military base. As my own children grow older I see how precious each day is, and I realize just how young 19 is. Although she made the commitment to serve her country and to wear the Army uniform for the United States of America- her life was certainly not valued.

Despite overwhelming physical evidence in the LaVena Johnson case, the Army called her death a suicide and has closed the case. It is becoming less and less hard for me to believe how little we value life in our country the older that I get. When I look at my 8 year old daughter and the battles that we've encountered ensuring that she realizes her value, her worth, her God given beauty and intelligence - we know that Indiana and the lack of diverse educational options are only part of what we battle. We battle the stereotypes, poor home training, intentional blinders and a society that plays favorites. While we have the opportunity to continually groom our daughter for when she leaves home, we know that she can settle in to unconditional love at the end of each day while she is with us. For the Johnson family, they sent their child to serve her country, and her country has failed her miserably.

Color of Change has done a good job using technology to mobilize people. I have been heartened that almost every time I'm contacted by the group they strike a cord in the level of grassroots action that could be taken to make a difference. There most recent request is simple:

Will you join Mr. and Mrs. Johnson in calling on Congressman Henry Waxman, Chairman of the House Government Oversight Committee, to mount a real investigation into LaVena Johnson's death and the Army's cover-up2? Will you ask your friends and family to do the same? If so, take action today.

What would being female, Black and valued look like in our society?

1. Young women would see images of themselves reflected throughout our society, in vehicles other than men magazine covers, videos and neglected posters about how long they have been missing.

2. Media coverage on the nightly news and primetime news shows would be representative of the demographics of our society, or better yet representative of the issue or topic being covered.

3. Those that say they represent our community would actual do so - covering topics, issues, people and action steps that matter - without regard to their personal image, fame or wealth.

4. There would be a focused effort to mentor, motivate, groom, direct and advance the life choices for young women - and it would start by reaching beyond those who are related to us by blood.

5. The countless stories that are told about our community would speak to everyday people and everyday issues - depriving pop stars who are turning 50 or cat fights between the least of us from any news attention.


And for me, every child within our nation would be introduced to the only correct image of their value and their life, through Christ. As much as I believe in collective action and the power of people, I know that God has already clarified our individual worth. So as I go about typing about what I would like to see, I have to go back to what I truly know. We have to take on a dual responsibility - educating, informing and changing our society is second, to raising our daughters to understand their value before they encounter what this world has to offer. LaVena Johnson deserved/deserves better.

What can we do? Maybe a society that values black females would look like each and every one of us spending a fraction of the time devoted to nonsense, to helping each other reach their fullest potential. The Johnson family won't have that opportunity - but what would you want to happen if it was you? your child? your daughter? We should have the right to live, and die, in dignity. Take action today.

Moving beyond "the Box" - A fight with conforming

So I have fallen in love with this Keyshia Cole song and video, and I just need to admit it. I believe in honesty and transparency and from time to time I can be a little snobby about my taste in stuff. I don't want what everybody has, and I truly don't want to respond to the society hand fed meal of what you should have, buy and like...I fight it all of the time.

I had this experience with perfume lately too. I saw a fragrance by P. Diddy (Unforgivable Woman) and I rolled my eyes. Then, I smelled the perfume and was mad about it - I thought it was just beautiful. Largely because I have 3 children and I think our media obsessed society (with a jones for fame and creating entertainment icons) is bad for the soul. I try to teach the kids to have their own style and taste and to ignore what the media says you have to have. I am recovering from a mutual love of all things formulaic - but lately my guard is down.

A few weeks ago I listened to this song and decided I was having a Mary J moment. I didn't start truly listening to MJB until I was good and grown and now, I'm a big unapologetic fan. Same for Keyshia, who shares a name with my sister, and I can't help thinking about her every time I hear her music or songs. When I first started hearing about her - I shook my head and thought about all of the women in RB/Hip Hop with forgettable careers. I have been saddened, both by their music, image and plastic surgery.

I tell myself I really don't care for the Pop Princess antics of our society, which tell us the type of music and people we should like. But, I'd be lying if I didn't check out the blonde hair on Keyshia and smile...as I just started experimenting with highlights. (I'm dang near 40.) I fight against too much megahit enthusiasm from Disney, High School Musical and Camp Rock to ensure that my daughter has some images before her that are reasonable. As Christians, we find some songs we like and try to ensure our children are surrounded by life affirming lyrics. But... I've also had to introduce KeKe Palmer, The Cheetah Girls and Raven to ensure that Miley doesn't take over the thought processes of an otherwise wonderful little lady. Here's where it gets a bit tricky though...I'm liking a few of the things that are mainstream and the lyrics to Heaven are just one example.

That being said, I hope Keyshia Cole has more songs that grown adult women can sway to without being boxed into a hiphop era which is uninspiring at best. I have always been a little slow and methodical about my music taste - but I admit this one threw me for a loop. All the radio favorites I can skip, I think Keyshia was singing out of the box with this choice. I purchased this single and a few others from Itunes, and I'm just living with that decision as I realize "they" the mediagods, got me. As for Unforgivable Woman, I'm still spraying my testers...but I just might have to move beyond my box, and buy a bit of that too.

Let Disney Be Disney

I've shared my thoughts (thanks to News and Notes on NPR) about Disney's Black "Princess to be" quite a few times, but I'm starting to understand that my friends and family think I should be more vocal. I don't want to see Madame Tiana fall in love with a prince that doesn't share her heritage...but, um, well...it's Disney. I expect Disney to act like Disney.

The folks who kill off mommies in 82.87% of their stories (Belle, Jasmine, Nemo, Cinderella to name a few) aren't the people I'm relying on to get "it" right. The princess experience is one that we will forever be shaping as mothers and as families, and that job in a culture that is assaulted by the media daily is a very intense one.

In fact, I want Disney to get it right for their audience - the millions of little girls across the nation who aspire to be a princess - all of them. Regardless of color, culture, shade, religion, creed. I'm fine with Disney getting more rich and wealthy from this experience. Why? Then they'll make more movies and play with this topic over and over, and just maybe...one of the Black princesses will steal my heart.

There is a part of me that wants to stand on my soapbox and talk about the need for us to produce our own stories, write about princesses, create the images we want for our daughters to see. Yet, when Matel released a beautiful Barbie in honor of the 100th Anniversary of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, we quickly started debates of color and complexion - not of affirmation and beauty. I think its the same with telling our stories, we should, some of us do, but many, many of us simply wag our fingers at every creative idea that comes to light. Is a Black princess overdue from Disney? Yes. Will there be errors in the story that challenge our since of culture? Yes. I would dare say that anyone who has seen a Disney film has realized that Disney fails, often - in a magnificent way. I loved Lilo and Stitch and remember all the scuttlebutt about the depection of the main characters - which my daughter and I just loved. Historically, physically, anatomically correct? Probably not. But, they make entertaining stories.

The name of the character has changed. The prince - changed. The fairy GodMother - changed. The images of the character - changed. Let's not think we can rewrite the Disney approach and guarantee that everyone is happy. They are using real pen/ink drawings, a true return to the graphic beginnings of the Disney Empire - and I can't wait to see them. There are many things worth exploring with Disney's attempt to diversify their line of beauties, and Anika Noni Rose promises to bring depth and voice to a young woman long overdue. As for me and mine - we'll enjoy whatever we can from this adventure. In the meantime, we'll be trying our hand at writing a few princess stories of our own too.

I introduce to you...land of the beautiful and darling - Princess Lydia. I've got a lot to work with for stories, and maybe a few about the handsome Black prince too. (smile)

Out of this World

The Chicago Tribune recently published an article about undercover comments and subtle racial slurs in the workplace. While the article was interesting, the comments from the readers were more so. I was just a bit surprised to read the number of comments that confirm what I have long known in my heart - people are not operating on the same planet that I am. It is one thing to talk about Free Speech, but purely another to fail to understand why the workplace should be free from slurs, intimidation, hostile work environments, and other acknowledged aliens.

I work hard to teach my children that not everyone will like them, and the sooner they learn that lesson the better off they will be. I have dealt with early lessons of, "you don't fit in, you aren't as pretty as us, you aren't neat and polite like us" and random other comments that are taught to the littlest of alien children who have no home training in appropriate etiquette. Yet, the more I read the more I'm certain that they (my children) will inherit a work world where - like always - they'll have to out perform, out work, out credential, out talk, out articulate, out write, out shine....the entire workforce, in order to be treated with any dignity and respect. And even then, I pray their self-esteem and dignity will not rely on acceptance from people who don't get what civil and respectable treatment is - regardless of the freedom of speech. My husband and I will teach them to use every weapon they have, and when all is said and done - we'll handle the topic by talking about the aliens. Those folks in our society that are foreign to good and common sense. I believe that the point of the article was to bring attention to the subtle nature of coded prejudice, but there isn't anything subtle about the world going to full steam ahead to an environment when people who voice an opinion about wrong are whiners, and when reverse discrimination is more politically correct than demanding from people the dignity and respect earned by the vast majority of hardworking citizens.

It's easier to wrap an entire culture in a stereotyped bow, than to give every person the respect of judging them by the content of their character. Problem is...very few people have character any more, removing the ability to judge it.

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Veggie Tale's Lost

When I learned that Veggie Tale's were coming to network television, I was so very excited. Their videos, books, movies, CDs and music have been staples in our home since we began having children - and I love the premise of Veggie Tales as a whole. In fact, "God is Bigger than the Boogie Man" was the adopted theme song for my girlfriend who just finished her PhD.

I'm a Jesus girl and my whole household loves Christ, so this is no difficult sell for us. So, when I heard that God was being removed from the Saturday morning expression of the show, my concern was heightened. How do you get morality and Bible based lessons, with no conversation about God or where the morals are coming from? I know that value-based learning, character education and the like are important, but I think we miss the boat when we erase God from the lives of our children. With mixed feelings, I later decided that faced with Saturday morning with or without the potential showing of Veggie Tales - I'd take it in any form. My mistake.

For years Veggie Tales have been a part of my teaching at Children's Church and Nursery, and this past weekend we went to the latest show for the big screen. The Pirate's Who Don't do Anything - didn't do much for me either. As for our three children - they had varying levels of enjoyment, but we discussed it both at home and leaving the theatre - and they were completely aware that God was left out. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. The moral plays that have been introduced into theaters lately have been willing to push the envelope. The Golden Compass was one of the most recent examples of when morality goes wrong - as Atheist fare was presented as a work for children. I think we owe it to ourselves to more aggressively push for message movies that actually have a real message. We should vote with our dollars - it speaks volumes in any venue.

At a time when our children are facing so much, I personally would prefer a big screen VEGGIE TALE'S Movie stick to the original script. By original script, I mean clarity of purpose, good entertainment, amazing music and something worth watching. This one doesn't offer the true values based teaching we've come to love and appreciate, and it can't compete with Finding Nemo, Toy Story, The Incredible's or Polar Express for offering both entertainment for adults and children. Three vegetables being transported to an earlier time when they discover their inner hero - it just can't compete. While I don't begrudge the money I spent, I won't be providing any ringing endorsements. When I was growing up in church they wanted to burn all of our music - until a Sunday School teacher asked, "And replace it with what?" So, when I want to reinforce the values we hold true - we have to skip Hollywood Million Dollar marketing investments for Golden Compass and others. The question is, replace it with what.

I look to The Prince of Egypt, a family favorite of ours - or a host of Veggie Tale CDs of yesterday, and I know that we can accomplish the task of teaching values and morals in a different way. I thought the movie was just too light and lacked the engagement for multiple age groups and levels. Not following a Bible based story is fine, but skipping a basis for where the values come from - well, Hollywood surely doesn't need any more of that. In this new year, I hope that we are able to get back to the basics. I hope that the writers and producers of Veggie Tales will do the same.

Brittney's breakdown and Clinton's Cry for Help

I don't study politics but I do study people - and this week has been quite a doozey. We get irritated about the Brittney coverage when quite frankly, the media has finally made me sympathetic toward her. I don't know any woman who wants the details of her life, career, marriage failure, parenting, clothing misses, etc. blasted in living color - 24 hours a day, without reprieve. And while I don't care for her music or her popularity, I feel bad for her because she is way too overexposed during the worst time in her public life. Clinton has the same issue. The only difference - I don't feel bad for her at all. No sympathy whatsoever.

I was listening to NPR today when one of the Mocha Mom's being featured indicated that she didn't want support of Obama to be seen as hate for Clinton. I admired her comment, but I reflected on my own position and decided - I must have room for growth. I have come to believe that the redeeming qualities of Clinton are long gone. She's lost any past or future support - and if by some chance Barack doesn't get the nomination - I'm a swing vote to any Republican with the exception of the man who brought his mistress into the mayor's mansion. That, I just won't do.

Here are the most recent confirmations that Clinton does not deserve support of this female voter, or any of those educated, articulate, passionate, politically astute women I know. Although the reasons to not vote for Clinton are endless - let's start here.

1. The tears don't move me. Her campaign chair told her she wasn't getting enough compassion points, and she turned it up a notch. They told her if she really cried she'd be seen as soft, so she stopped just short of an ugly cry. PLEASE. Anyone who believes that stunt deserves her as president, but I pray she'll never get the chance.

2. A change candidate she is not. They said he's for change, we're for experience. And because she's so honest, I really want to believe her. Judge her on experience I decide. When she was first lady, her first duty was as a wife, and she surely should not get credit for Bill's work. That's what we women fought for right - we're our own people . We have our education, our experience, our own stance in the world. So please Hillary, stop taking credit for Bill's stuff. Unless, you want to have a honest dialog about the indiscretions of his term, the lies, the inability to keep home and state separate. Hillary is Washington establishment if she is anything, and if health care is any indication - this is experience I don't need.

3. Flip flopper accusations. After getting her own fairy tale checked, she has started to announce herself as the candidate that can create change. Thou needeth an original boneth in thou bodyeth. First you say change is what you say when you have no experience - then you say I'm the woman for change. Make up your mind. Or not. No make it up.

4. Dirty Politics. Again. If anyone believes that she didn't personally author the attacks on Barack's name, religion, drug use, etc. - you must be smoking. Not inhaling of course, just smoking. I'm not naive enough to believe that dirty politics don't exist - or that there isn't a place for a hard edge - I want someone who can make tough decisions. I don't however, need a candidate who is into politics as usual. 2 terms of Bush and Clinton, that is enough of both of those families. I'm ready for something new.

5. Washington Insider as the only experience. I happen to believe that the Harvard experience, the Chicago experience, the community organizing experience, the middle class family experience, the husband and father experience, the lost a public office experience, the won a public office experience, the Attorney as a profession experience, the racism in America experience, the immigration experience, etc. - counts. I need a decision maker, not an experience touter.

6. It takes a Village. Well, not exactly. I'm all for a good quote and an African proverb is no exception. There are plenty of people in my life that I can thank for getting on the straight and narrow. But, when it comes straight down to it, my family raised me. And when it comes to family values - Clinton's need a village. The rest of us will do well to focus on where it starts - the family unit. Relying on other people to step in , step up, step to it - it is nice in theory but it isn't reality. Public education works when parents are involved, and a community organizer understands that. I digress.

7. The Minority Card. It is frowned on when we talk about the racial background of Barack, but perfectly fine to tout the historic nature of being a woman in this presidential contest. I'm just not drinking this kool aid. When its convenient clinton's camp wants to pull out the code words "electibility, viability, potential to compete, ready from day one, fit for the real contest" and the list continues. The same small minds that wouldn't vote for Barack because of his name or his heritage aren't rushing dear Senator to put a woman in there either. Hello - going negative might do something, but guarantee you a 2nd tier vote - better check your polls. You aren't doing so well as the second choice, either.

I don't have some unclear love of Barack - I think he is a man with promise, but a man. I'm married to a pretty great one, they have their limitations. Barack has positions I'm TOTALLY against, but as far as raising the bar for this election process, he's impressed me. I used to give $25 every time I had a warm and fuzzy feeling, but I'm running out of money. I'm getting that feeling so often that I have to space out my contributions. I think he has something greater than experience - he has the confidence of the people he'll have to lead. (Well some of us...there is still more work to be done.)

Yet, with the oversaturation of last minute Clinton crap, I had to write something. I couldn't sit down at the computer without a column, video post, clip or quote - attacking the man that will once again prove that we're tired of politics as usual. Brittney and Clinton have a lot in common.

Too much press. Troubled home life. Anticipated comeback received with dismal feedback. Visible breakdown. Support from played out people. And my favorite - media personalities coming to the rescue. (Since when does Clinton entertain Fox interviews and ongoing access?) Here's what I know for sure - I'm sick enough of Clinton I'd vote for Brittney right about now. She'd surely throw a good party. Lucky for us, we don't have to. We've got Hope and Change, Angry Edwards, My Main Man Mitt, and even the Huck. Let's elect any one of them - but give clinton's cry the rest it deserves.

Get Reminded About Your Destiny

The end of the year was filled with lots of entertaining for our household - probably more consecutive visits than we have had in our entire lives. And with all of the food, fellowship and fun always comes a few other lessons intended and otherwise.

For example, don't do your laundry with 13 people in your house. I thought I was simply being on top of my home chores when in reality I was dooming my 8 year old to a cold bath. Opps.

Then of course, the match game. I had failed to pay attention to matching towels and wash cloths as my husband had been putting away laundry for weeks. Hello - I know I own several sets of matching and guest towels, but when you have company is not the best time to find them!!!! Lesson learned. I type this post after consecutive loads of white towels to ensure that those items disappear to matching heaven, in the closet that we don't frequent.

But... the most simple of lessons came from the mouth of an 8 year old guest. She commented about my pantry when she had visited about 8 months ago - a childlike chuckle over the rows and columns that I had. I heartily admitted with our last minute shopping and hosting more people than we could count on our hands....that order was out the window. Not true, not true.

Yesterday, as my husband did the dishes and gave me a compliment that made my heart melt (about our home and my hospitality - although our house is indeed a work in progress), I started looking through my cabinets. The order that was there a bit ago wasn't tossed out, it was just a tad bit flustered. With a 1 hour investment, I have a pantry, seasoning cabinet, pasta station and spice shelf representative of the home I desire to have. That's a lot in 1 hour. the truth is, it was still in order from what I had originally established, even if it hadn't received the love and attention necessary in recent weeks. The foundation was firmly in tact.

1. I throw out the things I would not use again.
2. I discarded whatever was half opened and was paste its shelf life.
3. I turned the staples facing the front, in size order. (priorities, priorities)
4. I returned things to the place that they belonged.
5. I made an assessment of what I had, what I needed, and what I used most often. 1 hour.

I can draw parallels with just about anything, but this spoke to me about order in our lives and our destiny. When you have a firm foundation, you can be rocked without losing your core. A storm may come but you don't have to succumb to it. From time to time we just have to get reminded about our destiny. Some folks may think I've really invested too much in the rows and columns of my cabinets. I was simply reminded that a gentle nudge can put you closer to your destiny. I like what I like, and order can be comforting.

I have always wanted to entertain. I have always wanted to be prepared for anything that would come up. I have always wanted to live in a home that was warm, not for other people, but to be able to include others without being turned on my ear. We are getting closer to that nowadays - but its because we are getting closer to our destiny. When we think about our priorities and what we want to accomplish, more things line up than scream "Change me, Change me." And with the soft encouragement of a few 8 year olds (including my child saying that she valued the cleanliness of her room because it gave her peace), I was reminded about my own destiny.

It is 2008 and there is no time to be wasted. Destiny is as much about where you are, as where you aspire to be. We are in a pretty good place - warts and all - and our future is bright, because our foundation is indeed in order.

Do you need to be reminded about your destiny? Do you understand your purpose? Where are you headed, and how will you get there? Let this serve as your gentle nudge...it is 2008. What are you doing to ensure that your foundation is in order and the best is yet to come? However you get there and whatever you need to do, know that I can't wait to celebrate with you.

I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower, and I will watch to see what he will say unto me, and what shall I answer when I am reproved. And the Lord answered me, and said, "Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."

—Habakkuk 2:1-3, King James Bible

The Sooner You Learn It.....

The Sooner You Learn It.... The better off you'll be.

My mother was notorious for saying, "Life is Hard. The sooner you learn it, the better off you'll be." And I now, finally, really appreciate it. I don't think it was what you want or need to hear at a young age, but I do understand it was coming from a mother who wanted me to understand that life was not a bowl of cherries. Contrary to what one might believe, I'm not a pessimist. I used to really worry about what people thought about me or why they didn't like me, and I've learned - it really matters not.

I think about this in the context of the 2008 Presidential election too. I have had some, well intense, debates about who is best positioned to run our government. There is no one who is a perfect mix of all I'd aspire to have, but Barack Obama comes pretty close. My real friends and I talk about real politics. Not the fru fru tea conversations about voting for the female candidate that people have all but ordained in December 07, but the real life conversation about who you want to represent you. There is something to my logic.

When my mother said life is hard - it was always cold to hear. It was the reality I needed to balance some of my tendency to believe that all people would like me, all life would be fair, yadda yadda yadda. I happen to believe that without a quality balance in nature and nurture, one can easily become a bit of a tart. "Why oh why do bad things happen to good people?" They do. Debate the reasoning or fairness as you will, my mother was right. Life isn't always fair. I think of it often when I think about the person I want to lead this country into effective change. I can stand up for my candidate as much as I want to - but life is hard, and all people don't share my enthusiasm. What has to happen - somewhere between realization and action - is that you have to decide, its worth the work for the end result I want.

So, I didn't run for class president - and I regret that I was so locked with fear that I didn't do it. Simultaneously, I became active in extracurricular activities, broke out of my shell in college and began to lead the life that I have today. Unapologetic for my choices and my values, I am the person I aspired to be at that time. *Well I'm still a work in progress, but I think you get my point. I want to vote for someone who can hear the hard words, get the harsh criticism, use what they've learned, and apply it to lead a country we can be proud of. I'd rather not support the silent mastermind of harsh words - as she quips about the latest polls of why women as a whole don't like her. Women know women. We know harsh words and the deep seeded insecurity that can easily unleash them. It's one thing to have harsh words, in a context of all the things you are trying to teach and communicate. (Thank you mother.) It is quite another to polish harsh words for a living, because you've spent your entire life planning to lead the free world. I wish some of her friends had offered her more harsh words.

I think all of the candidates need a little bit of my mothers frank spirit to guide them. Get over how hard life is, and work harder. Not to be all that someone else expects for you to be - but because we are all closer to our destiny when we are true to ourselves. Harsh words can be translated into a catalyst for being all that we aspire to be. I think someone in Obama's past must have unleashed that on him too.

Wondering about other harsh words that have touched a life? Visit the ladies across the way and share your thoughts too.

Baggage. Got Luggage?

I am serving as a helper in "room mom" duties, a concept invented in the suburbs. When I was growing up there was no "room mom" - there were a host of parents that stepped in to make stuff for bake sales, come to school for special events, or drive car pool for field trips. My mother worked out of necessity and was good at what she did, and she missed the memo on taking off work for field trips to places we went together to see on Saturday. I was whole-heartedly unprepared for the class of women that were created through this process. That is until this year.

I was having a conversation with a room mom who asked how our year was going. I took for granted that she wanted to hear the answer and I am no slacker myself - I can hold my own in the volunteer world for blessing classrooms. I responded honestly - its been a bit of a tough year. My academic genius is struggling a bit - in all areas, but mainly socially. I stated that the lack of cultural diversity and the absence of people of color remained a bit of an issue, even more so as the children grow up. Let the defensiveness begin.

After a few minutes of opining about how everyone is nice to my children, I clarified that I was not discussing nice. If you put your child in a classroom or school full of people from a different culture, we could all be very nice, but your dear child would notice that he/she was different. I was beginning to feel overly agitated. I was heading down a difficult road.

My first commitment is to my children and building their self-esteem to be able to cope with any situation. I'm just not sure I want to spend most of my life focusing on coping skills instead of fostering learning and enjoying childhood. I clarified my feedback in the conversation and explained we picked a Christian school because it was our belief that the most important commonality was values in a learning environment. I went on to say that Christianity doesn't mean, however, that people aren't diverse with their own priorities, interests and cliques.

Room mother insight, "Well we all have our baggage." Excuse me, pardon me, I think I've choked on my latte. Did I say that being a person of color was baggage or a burden? My children carry their ray of sunshine brightly in the midst of what can be unbearable circumstances. And now, being Black is just , baggage.

I wonder what the baggage is when history is filtered as to be more fiction than reality, when the staff and leadership doesn't reflect the student body much less the society, and when becoming a room mom is a power structure of homogeneous folks who often don't have a clue - can we say gang habits? I have finally decided that I'm pretty much done. So much for the education process of people who don't want to be educated. As a mom, I need not lead the class when my children are struggling to find their way in a world that believes color blind is terrific, and not a tragedy. The lesson her - 100% mine and 0% hers.

As moms we must carry a lot of things to make our children's lives work - we carry diaper bags, changes of clothes, purses, money, soccer gear, gymnastics gear, spare snacks, chapter books, life lessons, emergency medical cards, pocket games, grocery lists, to do lists, thank you lists......but be careful not to carry baggage. I mean really, you can fit or blend in, but don't just rock the boat - that would be uncivilized. As for me and my house - we don't subscribe to sanitized living where you deny race and culture, and we're, uhhh, umm Black folks. I guess for some that means we've got baggage, but I'm going to go with we've got work to do. Work building our children and our family, because in 2007 - We Are the World just isn't playing in the background as a soundtrack. I for one am worried about gang violence in my suburban area - the kind in private schools with cliques of women who paint th world with one broad stroke.

Stupidity. I mean't ..... well, for now I meant exactly what I said. Stupidity.

Neverending Story

My mother is a sci-fi nut, and growing up we knew that all fantasy movies and flights of fancy were fair game for a day out. One of the stories that I watched and my children now enjoy is the Neverending Story. A mystical weave of words about reading a book where you in essence dictate the future remains a powerful story as an adult. So, when the topic of milestones came up at CrazyHipBlogMamas, I thought it merited a response. (Who really needs an excuse to write though?) Stepping Stones for me are those ah-ha moments in life where you decide what you will to some significant degree author your own future.

1. My decision to quit working a become a stay-at-home mom with our first daughter.

2. Marriage during crisis. Marriage beyond the Hollywood storybook belief of what should be. Marriage.

3. Realizing you aren't going to like everybody, and everybody is not going to like you either. (I was told this fact in 3rd grade but I didn't learn it then. In fact, some days I think I'm still learning it. )

4. The realization you can be right or you can be married - but being both 100% of the time is nearly impossible. So pick.

5. Your purpose is bigger than you. When life gets hard recognize that your purpose is not your own.

A stepping stone can be beautiful and ornate, like the ones that line our pathways with colorful remnants and monograms of our children. It can also be an unexpected bump in the road, separate from the path before and the path that follows. The ornate ones are pretty to look at, but the difficult ones you never forget where they are. My most important stepping stones are the ones that ask, "Are you being elevated and are you elevating something or someone else?" All of those paths imply movement, because there is no stone (or progress at all) without first taking a step.

Wisdom

Words of Wisdom about what you will impart to your children was a featured topic on the Crazy Mama connection this week. I love the folks that visit that site because it has helped me to read as much as I write - and explore the other thoughts and cool mommy bloggers. Make sure to share your Words of Wisdom too.

I used to dislike that title "Mommy Bloggers", but the reality is that I am a Mother and I am Political, and I have a dry sense of humor and I am Black, and thus....there are a lot of reasons to read my Christian, yet imperfect, walk, in the pages of this blog. And...."Crazy MBA Mama Blogger" doesn't have a ring to it, nor does any of the other titles I considered briefly.

I have three beautiful and brilliant children with a man that I have been married to for the last 12 years. I wanted to ensure that my children had an active father in their lives but it never really occurred to me that I had picked someone that had a similar "distant" relationship with their own father. Enter God. I have the most family oriented husband around, who isn't surprised that the Chrysler Towne and Country is the closest he'll get to prosperity & virility symbols for a little bit. God is an awesome example when you are searching for models in this life of ours.

Our words of wisdom will include:

1. Accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. I'm not preaching against the members of Bedside Baptist but life is too hard to not have a guiding North Star - and as for me and my house, "We shall worship the Lord." People get all bent out of shape because of this or that religion issue - and I have room for lots of questions after 12 years of Catholic Schooling. But when Beyonce is jealous she isn't Latina, Vanessa is sending photos of her musical behind across the web, and Brittney can't listen to a dozen folks holding mirrors in front of her....well people, they need to believe in something that gives to them and doesn't just take from them.

2. Take care of each other. I hated my mother's threats to my brother and I that we were "all each other had." Surely it wasn't true. I have a big enough family, loving aunts, extended family, a great grandmother.... but she was right. when it comes down to it she taught us to be there for each other no matter what. 14 odd tattoo's later - I love my brother with all my heart. Teaching our children to take care of each other is a very important lesson for us.

3. You must out perform racism. Don't have to agree with Colin Powell to understand his words. Don't have to like everything about Dr. Condi to respect her achievements. Don't have to like the fact that this is truer in 2007 than ever before. In our home we will teach our children to outperform every limitation on their life. Will this remove racism? NO. However, I quietly present to you that children with a 1600 Sat aren't questioned about Affirmative Action, the best on the team doesn't have to defend why they were selected, a math genius is able to calculate what they are worth in a job market, and a prima ballerina who can dance to Amerie is looked at as "balanced."

4. You are African-American. In order to live your life with the happiness you deserve recognize that it is your job, and nobody else will see it quite like you - to know "the rest of the story". Media, history books, others - will never be your guide for who you are. If you want to really know about the history of our people, start with the history of your family. There is a rich cross section of history right there.

5. Burn your journals. I mean really, I saved letters from 4th grade through post college, and well - EMBARRASSED. Burn baby burn.

6. Marry Rich. I'm sorry but I will teach this lesson alongside my 101 lessons on independence, entrepreneurship, self-sufficiency and higher education. As my friend says about the golden Rule, He who has the Gold makes the Rules. And I'm just not opposed to integrating financial intelligence with good choices. Save your sighs of my materialism, I will not apologize. And if John and Jack, or Emily and LaToya are standing apples to apples on values, poise, character, loving you......um, financial solvency for $1,000,000 please.

7. Honor Thy Father and Mother that thy lives shall be long...or your life will be painful.

8. Own your mistakes. They will either build you or bury you, and we'll love you even through the painful days.

9. Iron sharpens Iron. You attract people to you that have things in common with you. Be the best person you can be, make the life of someone else better, give back, practice philanthropy along side random acts of kindness, and it will come back to you.

10. Tomorrow is not promised. Live life to its fullest and when all is said and done - can you look in the mirror and say you are proud of what you have become? If so, nothing else need be said. Oh, and....don't forget, go bck to #1 in all things.

Don't have to agree...but hey, I'm talking about my words of wisdom in a society where OJ gets more press than Dunbar Village, a client used the phrase nigger in a story she told me - without any thought of how inappropriate it would be, Sharpton is seen as a role model, only a small group of children no Mae J and 3/4 of all youth know .25 cent - he's not worth .50, and you kinda have to just roll with me on my point here. Barack Obama is questioned for "ummm lack of qualifications" and lack of Blackness.

In 2007, I better have a lot of wisdom to share. My husband and I both do. We are raising young black children at a time when their lives still aren't valued, we still have to teach what to do if the police ever pull you over, and we have extensive rules about being a girl and what it means in a majority culture school where you are examined for more than your academic achievements but as a representative of an entire race. in 2007. and as I said - your faith in an omnipotent God has to carry you where your sanity and understanding of race, culture, politics and religion will not.

The Power of Words

I love quotes and quips - little pieces of advice that allow you to think reflectively about the reason we are all here and do what we do. Proverbs is one of my favorite sources but then there's Maya Angelou and an assortment of female mentors too. I was really intrigued when the crazy mamas started collaborating on the best advice given to you, and I'm joining in the fun to share the wealth.

From my maternal grandmother who though it practical to talk about how the men we dated looked: "You remember you have to look at him every morning. and every night." I was particularly progressive about marrying a man who was able to talk to me and inspire me, beyond his individual looks. I told my grandmother that we had a history of fine men who were not fine in their character already and I wouldn't be joining the obsession with pretty boy men. So then she went practical, "if not for you, please think about my grandbabies." I was irritated with this advice and told her with a straight face that every baby is cute. Then in her early 70's she replied, "Don't forget - monkey's are cute too, and I don't want one of them for a grandbaby either." Point taken. Let's not act as if looks don't matter and that you can ignore the obvious - my grandmother has always been very practical. I was engaged to a fella for about 2 weeks in my youth, and she indicated, "If you just wanted an Imond (not a typo, a reference for something short of a diamond) I can buy you that." I gave up. I married a cutie who had everything else too.

From my paternal grandmother, "Dead folks can't smell flowers." A very pointed lesson from a woman I wasn't very close to. If you want to do something for someone - do it while they are alive. Do things that matter to people while they can enjoy them. I have an uncle that recently died and although it broke my heart - I have a lifetime of memories, letters and experiences that tell me - all is well. As I saw so many people say on 911 - "I have no regrets." I take that as a pointed lesson in marriage - if he was gone tomorrow would he know, really really know, how much he means to us.

From my mother, "Life isn't Fair, the sooner you learn it the better off you'll be." I thought many things were not fair growing up. My mother helped me to learn - the world owes you nothing. Some people find it harsh. I am thankful for those early lessons which taught me about the pitfalls of believing that life would be fair. She often told me, these grades are for you. I heard countless times, "I've already passed 3rd grade - what you get is all on you." Got it mom. I got it. Yet the best advice came when I didn't know what to do about becoming a stay at home mama. I was worried about my MBA and resources when she said, "You can't read to them forever. You won't be able to rock them to sleep at nap time in a few years. Enjoy each day and don't think if you aren't there you can recapture it later." An accomplished career woman, I held her feedback to my heart on the many days when we didn't have nickels to rub together.

Words linger for a good long time. I was also the 1988 Debutante Queen at a major African-American society event in my youth, and I was there without my father. That isn't really a good experience when you father is really known locally - it brought unwanted attention to being in a single parent household. Funny thing is, winning was only a part of the experience. My date looked at me in the haze of celebration and said "You were a queen long before the announcement." He came from what I thought was the perfect family but he cautioned me that everything that glitters is not gold. Puts into perspective needing anyone to validate your life, even at 16.

As parents my goodness, there are so many lessons to teach. I'll share my thoughts in another post about what I'll impart to my kidlets.

African American Men for Hillary Clinton

I received an email today that included the link to Senator Clinton's website and a compiled video clip of African American Men who support her campaign. I was in some ways saddened by the establishment rhetoric of individuals who are promised to benefit from her election and the implication that we don't have time for anyone "learning on the job."

I find it amazing that at a time when we have the first truly viable African-American presidential candidate of our time, with the credentials, vision, pedigree and financial support necessary - so few high profile people of color even speak to his viability as a candidate. As I listened to Dr. Maya Angelou talk about her pride of supporting a woman, I couldn't help wonder - is anyone thinking about electing change?

Hope. Audacity. I think those words still speak volumes about what Barack offers. I have heard individuals say that the true goal is to vote for someone who can beat the Republicans. In our politically interesting household - we talk often about what the future holds. Republican candidates of today can't pretend to be the moral majority. Democratic candidates can't be soft on foreign affairs and security. This is not your mother's era of politics.

Regardless of race, gender, ethnicity or socioeconomic station - we have an opportunity to let our voices be heard in this election. Barack needs our support to turn American politics on its ear. I'm done being sad over what I find to be a patronizing "Bill was our first Black president" embrace of Hillary. They are no more Black than I am white. Our charge is to elect someone who can represent our country and take the necessary actions to put us on a better track - security, health care, education, affordable housing, justice. I think more people, should reflect on those issues, and vote for true change.

To make your voice heard, join my efforts to raise support for Barack Obama. Oh yeah, and I guess I'm going to start my own support network:
~ African American Women for Barack
~ Smart Women for Barack
~ Mothers for Barack
~ Republican households of Color for Barack
~ People who don't believe the Hillary Hype for Barack
~ Individuals who vote, for Barack

Why don't you join me if you are sick of the establishment hype. Donate today.