To Whom Much is Given....Kwame Kilpatrick and Promise Unfulfilled

Promise, Potential and Problems 

But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required. - Luke 12:48

THE CONNECTION
I lived in and around the metro-Detroit community for nearly 10 years.  I can't think of our lives or our children without thinking about the time we spent making the drive up and down I-75.  As a Buckeye by nature, Michigan was an escape, an exploration ground, a place for growing.

I took the verdict in the Kwame Kilpatrick case more personally than many people I know.  I think I took it harder than I anticipated.  I would enter a conversation about the sad state of affairs that currently exists, and some would respond with a wide  brush of  "what he deserved", "the death of Detroit" and other general replies that just didn't capture what I was feeling.  I consider the verdict more than an overdue punishment, I think of  it as a tremendous loss.

I can't say I ever admired Kwame, but I did believe that he had potential.  The longer I lived in Detroit, the more I learned about the challenges of getting things done, the less I understood about his purpose, plan or potential.  It made me sad at the time, but eventually we left.  We are not native Detroiters, we moved first out of the city, then out of the state.  We cared deeply and gave back in more ways that I can count, but it wasn't home and it wasn't moving in the direction where we could raise our family and thrive.  We felt that we had to make a different choice.

THE CHOICES
I think about the choices that Kwame made and I have worked to learn more about him since we left.  Even before learning about his academic and sports achievements and the promise he held in the eyes of those around him, I thought of him as a future leader of my generation.  I thought that our kids are of similar ages, and I thought about the fact that he is someone's child.  I decided to write, not about his choices or the sad spiral of a legacy that now exists - but about the loss of potential.  How is it possible that someone with raw talent, ability and acumen can fall so far?

I believe in a God of grace and a God of second chances, and a God of consequences.  I thank God for his grace, and the third, fourth and fifth chances I get everyday.  I also know how painful the consequences can be, and how learning lessons over and over again may not resonate until you have grown to understand why you keep repeating a set of behaviors.  I have had public success and public failure - but never on the scale of Kwame Kilpatrick.  I remember a cabinet appointment he once made, and I thought that I would have fulfilled the role well - but I wasn't "in" the crowd, or connected in that way.  I now thank God for that too.  Understanding the tremendous price the City of Detroit and the many dedicated people who love the city have paid, I wonder now about the people that surrounded him, his family, his colleagues, his cabinet and his life.  What is the obligation to speak up, speak out and speak loudly, when you see someone running away from their purpose? What do we do in our everyday lives to redirect and reclaim the potential around us?

MY REFLECTION
As a mother of boys, my heart goes out - not to Kwame - but to the countless families who have their personal failures experienced in a public forum.  To whom much is given, much is required.  I delight in the potential of my boys, ages 9 and 10, and I wonder about their future.  Today my 9 year old asked me where he should go to college - our ride to school was filled with conversations about what he aspires to do, and what we can do to support his aspirations.  Mothers across the country have this conversation every day.  They squeal with delight at a perfect presentation score, mourn a lack of productivity lost to play station or a tablet, invest in athletic programs, raise up a child "in the way that he should go" and pray for safety, health and wisdom.  Under that abundance of passion and promise - there must be a purpose, a plan and a set of values that guide both the "how" and the "what" we do.

The lessons from this tale of morality run deep - for parents and children alike.  What do we do when we see promise and potential in abundance - what lessons do we teach and what systems to be build - so that his story is not the story that gets told over and over again.  There are so many young men who have the potential to impact, likely change, the world.  The true teaching, training and impact starts with building their character and their core.  I was reminded as I read countless articles about the verdict, that the responsibility starts at home.  If you learn to value the prize at the end of the journey, before you understand the importance of the journey, we lose much more than one person.  We have the potential to lose whole generations.  I have been reflective for the past few weeks about what I need to teach, what I need to do, how often I should pray....so that the next cautionary tale doesn't hit closer to home.  We can do better if we learn something from this.  I believe we must.

The Mama Sisterhood

MOTHERHOOD is a Club....

and you have to respect the Mama Sisterhood! 

Noah at the Drumline Performance.

There is a good reason why I'm inclined to identify myself as a mother, but I don't often reference being a wife - in many ways they are intertwined.  If you read my posts, you'll know that I have often talked about my wife reality, from Domestic Sexy to things I just don't understand, like the Fear of Laundry completion.  None of those things defines life overall, but I think the reality of being a mother and being a wife are in my life elements of the same story.  I couldn't be the mother that I am without having a husband.  I grew up with a mother who encouraged excellence, set an extremely high bar, did everything she could to give me the advantages of my peers, and instructed me that education was a tool for moving beyond what I could see around me.  She also did everything, in essence, by herself.  In a conversation earlier this week I was reminded of her struggles to navigate a rocky landscape for my brother and I, and the many differences that exist in our lives, and our life choices.  The reality is even in my earliest of days, she was teaching me lessons for the future.

MY REALITY

Music man exploring options.

I love to SMASH - no not just eat good food, but Smash my memories in scrapbooks, journals and the latest of my obsessions, SMASH Books that allow for a more impromptu collection of experiences.  What I have realized, largely because I take pictures on the fly, (and I have yet to start a KickStarter campaign to fund a new camera)....my photos don't tell the full story.  I look at our changing landscape and I fight against this notion of "it takes a village," because I believe you have to be responsible for YOUR own village, before the village can help.  I know that sounds unclear.  Before I realized the need for additional help, and the benefit of quality support, I recognized that it took two to make a thing go right - at least in our household.  I'm not as strong as my mother, as independent as my mother, as well paid as my mother (who had 1 degree less and a wealth more natural talent) or as selfless as my mother. I thought from day 1 - I need long term help, as in the kind that means you are there every day, in every way.   God then blessed us with Aunties, Godparents, Grandma's, Granny's, Women of the Church, Neighbors, Parents of the Kids friends, 2nd Family Members, etc., to round out that support network that allows so much more than I every realized.  You can read my Ms. Eva post to learn more about my circle. 

MY REFLECTION 

This is not a dad high 5 post - although fatherhood is a topic that matters to me dearly.  Sometimes it keeps me up at night.  It is a personal reality check, however.  I can sponsor a Jack and Jill event for 2 age groups to see Drumline, because my husband supports the endeavor and has only a minor cringe when I communicate the cost.  I can be there for the track meet events, because I wasn't there in the morning seeing that everyone made the bus and had breakfast, many mornings he does that.  I can take a kidlet to explore the arts, because the other kidlet is at Basketball practice with his father.  When I was growing up, the equation wasn't so simple.  Heck, this is our life and it isn't simple.  We have gone from man-to-man to zone, and we've been working for 13 years to figure it out.  This Mama Hustle is absolutely no joke, but I am able to be a better mother because I have permanent assistance, in the kind that comes with having a full-time father in the home.

MY REQUEST 

The days I hope I remember always.

It has been an emotional week.  If ever I could have a therapy fund this might have been a good time to use it.  I reflected on the things that I wanted to do, wanted to try, aspired to experience....and I thought of my mother, my aunts, my grandmother doing all that they could to make it so.  I used to be so much more critical of the choices of others - because I just had not lived long enough.  I get it. I get it. I get it.  We all make choices, we all do the best that we can, we all dance the dance of life and navigate the circumstances as they change.  In pursuit of joy, and in an effort to find my joy, today I celebrate children, motherhood and the support network - yes the village - that makes a difference.  I wanted to scream this morning when I had a small self-reflection about how people don't realize what you've done in trying to make a difference in the lives of others....and then I looked more deeply in that mirror myself.  We could all do a better job of recognizing how we, "Make it Do what It Do!"  Motherhood is not a silo experience, not in my world, not in the way my children have experienced life.

So - Willy Wonka has a local premier tonight - got a kid in that.  Divisionals for swimming - got a kid in that.  Studying fractions and echoing short answer questions - got a kid who doesn't even realize he'll be doing that, or no football this season.  More importantly, however - I think I'll hug a little deeper, snuggle a little more intently, smile as I taxi, and say a prayer of thanks - this life of motherhood, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Well, funding that life should be done differently....but that is indeed another post!  How do you make it work?  How do you perfect your mama schedule?  What lessons have you carried from childhood?  How do you do life differently for the sake of your children?  Who would you thank for helping you become the mother that you are?  or are you one of those life altering anchors that makes some mother thankful to have that unyielding support?  If she hasn't said it lately, THANK YOU.

The Benefit of the Doubt

The Benefit of the Doubt and other growing pains...       

Benefit of the doubt = to decide you will believe someone or something

With age I'm less inclined to extend the benefit of the doubt.  I'm not sure when it happened, but it has indeed happened.  I used to believe that Barack would be a 2 term president, that Colin Powell would receive the respect that was fully due him, that investing in private education would create benefits that public education could not deliver, that the covenant of marriage would rise in popularity as we saw the impact of raising children in single parent homes.  As I've gotten older I don't have the same energy to compensate when the benefit of the doubt goes wrong.  I'm learning that I tend to simply not give it as much and with what I believe is good reason.


During some seasons I have given myself the benefit of the doubt  - in the belief that I could lose weight while committing to healthier life choices, get my PhD before I had gray hair and land the perfect hybrid between consulting and teaching college courses while my children were still relatively young.  I have always aimed really high and cleaned up for the messes created along the way, even in the belief that I could close the financial gap between my decision to be a non-profit consultant and my natural gifts in math & science that didn't translate into becoming an Engineer.  I tend to ask for forgiveness more than permission, and with wisdom has come a tendency to doubt, not to give the benefit of the doubt.  


Owning your limitations happens at various life stages I assume, but I had brought into the Superwoman model.  Such is life I thought.  Yet, the issue of doubt continues to resurface because doubt can lead to a generally disagreeable disposition I've learned.  Seeing that glass as half empty makes you more often than not a pessimist.  I never wanted to be a pessimistic mommy.  I wanted to teach my children to see the glass as half full.  I still want to.

The holidays always offer a twisted challenge in my world, a choice of living in the past or creating a vision for the future.  Stay with me, it does relate.  On the heels of a ministry peer telling me that I didn't return her text messages, I offered a confused look and a strong stance that I do at least try to respond to all messages received.  I felt a bit unnerved at the meeting as I thought of ways to prove that I really had been attentive to recent communication, only later to find out there is some issue between our two cellular phone companies.  I wondered aloud in that moment, why had I not earned the benefit of the doubt?  Clearly she assumed I had not responded, without considering that I had not received the messages.  


I also thought about a request that I made to a friend to pick up and deposit a check into my account from an out-of-state client.  She ultimately opted not to complete the favor because of concerns that it was somehow inappropriate.  A different friend within the same state completed the task in about 1 hour and indicated that she was happy to help.  I'm not sure how much impact we have on other adults and their "benefit threshold", but as a parent, I think our impact is primary and paramount.  I feel obligated to teach my children that they can extend the benefit of the doubt, because their life is and has been, different than the circumstances that shaped me. 


What leads us to assume the worst instead of assuming the best? How do we get past the lingering impact of disappointments and what do we do to balance the benefit of the doubt with intuition and good sense?  I have come to understand the "Benefit" of the doubt is as much about your threshold for pain as it is about the choice to believe freely.  I still come up on the losing side of the debate when I suggest that Chris Brown deserved more benefit of the doubt than he received, and that he too was a child when his actions led him down a difficult path of public scrutiny and becoming a domestic violence poster child.  By virtue of gender and leaked photographs we gave his girlfriend at the time much more benefit, put her on a few more magazines, wrote a few more stories about her and said as loud as our voices would carry that Chris' behavior was unacceptable.  True.  Not the entire story though in my opinion - I am a mother of both a daughter and sons, and I think there are lessons to be learned on both sides of that situation.  


My children are incredibly loyal to their father and discerning for their ages.  Whenever I suggest that they play favorites (I get picked for book reports and homework assignments, rarely for fun and games) they share a nervous laugh and ask, "When is Daddy coming home?" They ask about his whereabouts like the FBI and they tend to measure their future happiness based on what they believe is his present state of play - they expect that dad is equal to fun.  For our children past experiences guarantee benefit of the doubt, and as their mother I get taught the most basic lessons of unyielding trust by watching them.  My husband says, they are growing up differently than we grew up.  I believe they are living in a whole new world. 


The benefit of the doubt I've learned doesn't last forever, and after a lifetime of disappointments even an adult can cry uncle.  Benefit is really the equivalent of making a choice, a decision to believe when all factors point in a different direction.  For decades, I gave my father the benefit of the doubt that he wasn't capable of understanding the impact of his absence in the lives of his children.  We're cordial at this point, and as a grandfather he can be thoughtful and attentive.  What he cannot be, however, is the father that I aspired to as a child.  My children and I have been blessed with male role models, mentors and friends that are tremendous.  I should be more appreciative of that.  40 years later I still see the generational legacy of my father's choices as a lingering failure that I cannot fix.  In myself, in my mother, in my siblings and in my decision to intentionally parent differently, I carry that difficult legacy.


Giving him the benefit of the doubt has often meant disappointment that cuts to the bone and resurfaces at the most inconvenient of times.  Like holidays.  Even a choice to act and behave in a different manner doesn't erase the impact of the memories that linger.  I can hear Dr. Laura saying get over it, you cannot make people what you want them to be.  In most instances I would even agree with her.  Yet, I think its natural to give family members the benefit of the doubt, even when that ship has sailed, and time for something different has come and gone and come again, one too many times.  


Somehow as 40 approaches with little discretion I have resolved that it is difficult to teach what you do not know.  Difficult but possible.  My ability to teach the benefit of the doubt is a true work in progress, requiring a value system orientation that is not my own.  We are not just raising Jesus children out of habit or obligation, but out of a clear understanding of where our values come from.  Fellowship with the Father promises to be the only anchor when issues with my father persist.  My children have the benefit of an engaged and committed father, even though he too did not learn at the heels of a phenomenal father son relationship.  He has simply made a choice to life in a way that guarantees that his children extend the benefit of the doubt, because in most every situation, the ability to rely on his availability, attention and affection are guaranteed.  That alone is worthy of being a covenant keeper in my book.


I'm not sure what happens in the world of adult to make it so much harder to believe and trust in what people say or demonstrate as their intentions.  I do know, however, that children who are raised intentionally should learn as much about hope, faith and belief in the greater good of people as they learn about the barriers that we create for safety, protection and sanity.  They come here naturally reliant and trusting and willing to extend courtesies that as an adult have to be earned, demonstrated or even merited.  I look to them as teachers not just students, and I celebrate the use of instinct to make choices based on what they experience.  I remain thankful that for those closest to me, their grace has extended me the benefit of the doubt.  Wisdom has taught that not everyone can benefit from it.

I'm EVERY Woman!

Chaka Khan would be so proud. The next generation of women are going to be amazing. I know because I'm raising one. (We are raising one....my husband and I.) I clarify that in part because I think it is at least one part of why she is soo tremendous. She has the benefit, bonus, necessity, etc. of having a great daddy. Fathers matter in raising children in general - and I'm a believer that they are essential in creating the next generation of women.

So here, ninabot is pretty self-assured with her mass of natural hair blowing in the wind. Granny said here's a headband and it didn't occur to her that this is the most exposure her full mane gets, ever. I am breathless whenever I look at the this pic that dad captured with his palm. It speaks volumes about who and what she is.

She is a fashion maven, a scientist, a blessed child of God, mouthy and emotional, kindhearted, competitive, an original by every measure. I never knew when I aspired to motherhood that looking in the mirror could be so humbling and so inspiring all at the same time. For as much as she is me, she is soooo not me.

I had to buy a size 8 SKINNY LEG jean, just so it would stay up on her little behind. No matter what I did, no other jean would work. Maybe because she is indeed skinny. Uhhhhh, mental note - that is something she probably didn't inherit from me. She loves music, theatre and the arts - and I fall pretty short there too. She's a gymnast, a swimmer and often fearless when it comes to things she has never tried - well maybe I wasn't looking into the mirror after all.

She's more likely compiled of every woman, a legacy of strong women in our family, the beneficiary of wonderful women throughout our lives and the culmination of what happens when men are more that DNA contributors. She is a daddy's girl and I have almost stopped fighting that so I can enjoy it all the more.

I received an Afghan from my cousin in Michigan today, an unexpected gift of tremendous kindness. It takes its place next to the quilt made by her 95 year old mother about 5 years ago. Although these women are not close in proximity and are not people I grew up with - they show and demonstrate they care. For her Baptism, she was surrounded by more love than her heart could hold, by women she shares no dna with - I'm so humbled by that. Don't think she's from a family of slackers though - the most caring woman I've ever met, gave birth to her Artist granny, in addition to the Diva Auntie and the Auntie who encourages and uplifts right along with her dinner treats whenever we visit. I have a host of female friends that bless her life directly or indirectly, many of which alternate between encouraging her and encouraging me - both of which are necessary. She really is every woman, filled with the love and the gifts of everyone who sows seeds into her life.

The God Mother - the rescuer granny - the back-up - the gift card giver - the prayer - the Sunday School teacher - the insightful teacher - the doter - the friendship mender - the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.....I hope you get my point. She has in the core of her heart and the cusp of her hand - the potential of Every Woman, because of the seeds that have been planted into her life. I so often wonder....if we all did a bit more of this, what would the potential of little girls in our nation be?

The Blues

On vacation we were at the hotel restaurant having breakfast when the lights went out. The local thunderstorm created 5 or 6 brown outs, and we ended breakfast by candle light. I actually enjoyed the experience. My children were weirded out. Their comfort came from daddy's answers about the experience. They felt safe because of him.

When I think about blues, there are parts of my childhood that ring with a bit of disappointment. I was saddened by the stereotypes of being a product of a single parent home, made worse by having my father be an attractive teacher and coach within the same local community. This isn't a father bash post - it isn't even about my childhood.

The blues that are my favorite photos are shots of (or taken by) my husband with our kids. Whether its a blue business shirt, a family reunion shirt or the water of the zoo in the background - the most important thing for me is that my children have a family unit that is just plain normal. Not storybook beautiful, just normal.

They have a father that loves them and shows it in his everyday actions. We both had challenges in role models for father figures but we are living our version of the American Dream in so many ways. We have struggles, I have a potty mouth, I can even be prone to seeing the glass as half full. I think that fact that I recognize that is half the battle as I see that God is capable of extending grace and mercy, even when we know not what we are doing.

No blues here. (Well, in the pictures.) But in general - my children will not know the pain of parental distance and adult choices. We surely will give them much fuel for therapy, just not based on our efforts to establish a family unit they can rely on. I am in awe of single moma's, I think about my childhood and youth - and my husband's too, and I know that our mothers both aspired to give us all that their hearts could hold. I am so thankful.

I am most grateful that my children find travel, vacation, hanging out, day trips, school, bed time, dinner time, grocery shopping, etc. very mundane with their very normal family. There is something great about creating the future you want for your own children, based on the dreams you had as a child.

Baby Blue. Periwinkle. Navy. Royal. Crayola. Doesn't matter to me. I just like seeing those kiddo's and dad.

If you want to see the power of pictures or a different take on the blues, collaborate with the ladies at Crazy Hip Blog Mamas. If you want to see a cool picture with the zoo in full glory, be my guest. (As I sing Beauty & the Beast in my head....)