My Sisterhood is Changing....

Motherhood is not a silo experience.  

Not in my world, not in the way my children have experienced life.  I'm understanding more and more, my sisterhood and my life, are changing.

A few months ago I wrote a post about the juggling that happens in motherhood.  I thought it would be a light release of all the things related to ordering your inner and outer world.  I used the language that was freely used in my circle to define the special crazy that is being a mother.  I didn't expect what came next, a reminder that change is the only constant. 

I have 3 children at three different schools, they ride three different buses, for three different start times.  No pity necessary, but it is the lens that colors how I view life.  The sisterhood has always been another way to view life - sometimes being reminded how much to be thankful for or how much laughter is necessary when I've managed to lose my way.  I'm thankful for my sisterfriends and the sisterhood that supports me in this journey.  The sisterhood is just changing.

My mother was famous for saying, "Life isn't fair, the sooner you learn it the better you'll be."  She also said, "Everyone isn't going to like you, you better figure out how to be your own best friend."  I didn't realize then how hard she had to parent a bit of a sensitive child that was attracted to justice, equity and a belief that life should be full of roses.  The reality is even in my earliest of days, she was teaching me lessons for the future.

In my Christian walk I am reminded, we were never promised life without pain or hardship.  Motherhood is a very special club and I have evolved to understand, your circle can change just as your life changes.  Change can be necessary and difficult all at the same time.  I just believe firmly, the journey is made better with true friends. 

If you read my posts, you'll know that I have often talked about my wife reality, from Domestic Sexy to things I just don't understand, like the Fear of Laundry completion.  None of those things defines life overall, but I think the reality of being a mother and being a wife are elements of the same story, my story.  I couldn't be the mother that I am without having my husband, the one that accepts my flaws and knows my heart.   I am also a better mother because of the truest of sisterfriends that continue to build my experiences in this journey.

I was blessed with an unexpected post about my philanthropy during this August celebration of Black Philanthropy month #BPM2013.  The questions made me reflect on my work and my dreams, in addition to my understanding of motherhood and this sisterhood.  I have been blessed with Aunties, Godparents, Grandma's, Granny's, Women of the Church, Neighbors, Parents of the Kids friends, 2nd Family Members, etc., to round out that support network that allows so much more than I every realized.  You can read my Ms. Eva post to learn more. 

No matter how complex life gets, there should always be... 

1) Someone who knows your heart, and loves you anyway.  

2) A sisterhood that holds you up, at your best and at your worst.  

3) A group that shares your values and aspirations.

4) Someone to travel with and a family to play date with. 

5) Someone who can run faster, jump higher, cook better, excel quicker than you.  Aspiration and competition work hand in hand, when you encourage and acknowledge each other. 

I don't know how mothers make it work.  I'm not certain how you handle your mama schedule, mama lessons, mama date nights and mama friends.  I do know, if you are one of those life altering anchors or very special ride or die friends, I hope someone has told you thank you.  Life changes, your sisterhood may change, but the need for "your circle" should not change.  Today I'm wondering, how do you handle the changes?

Friendship Reflections - Part II

I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent.  
Caring for myself is an act of survival.  
- Audre Lorde 

Adult friendship is a part of my survival.  I thank God for the women who love me fully, and know me fully, too.  I don't always make the mark - I often fall short of who I aspire to be in this regard.  Today, however, I'm reminded about the blessings of true friendship.  Those people who help you remember who you are... 

I had an experience early in my relocation that led me to write Friendship Reflections  that knocked my foundation, and my understanding about adult friendships, a bit. I asked a friend to do me a favor that I assumed was no big deal.  I was living in Indiana, my life was still oriented in Michigan - and I was in store for a major life lesson. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.  It's a Maya Angelou quote I've shared often, but I can't say I've gotten that much better at heading the warning that is inherent. 

When you are in need of a friend, life situations are a Big Deal.  All of those years ago, my foundation was turned on its ear because my vision of friendship has been clear since I declared Alisha my Wonder Woman Sister at age 5.  As an adult woman I cherish those relationships and cherish the life lessons too.  To everything there is a season, and when the warning signs are all around, we have to learn to listen. I often talk to my teenage daughter about friendship.  She read a recent exchange that I had with someone, then offered, "Wow mom, she's not that nice to you." She didn't know the whole story, but she was smart enough to examine the situation.  We can learn a lot from the young women we are raising.
 
My original post lamented, the only person to examine in a friendship looks back at you every morning. I'd like to see that inscribed on a necklace somewhere or made into a Pandora charm. I was speaking wisdom and I didn't even realize the extent.  When this past week had me reflecting on my countless blessings, and the sadness of disappointment in people, I was reminded of the original post.  One reason to blog is because it helps you keep a running perspective of your own life.  Maybe you are able to help someone else along the way.

Everyone should have a friend that makes them want to be better.  Everyone should have a friend that inspires them to be more thoughtful, more proactive, more creative, more innovative, more patient.... MORE.  Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."  I am in the process of being sharpened.  Every person should have a friend that not only makes them want to be more, but someone who makes them stop long enough to recognize, they are ENOUGH, too.  Jesus told Mary's haters, "She did what she could."  I'm learning to be okay with my legacy during various seasons being that "I did what I could."

As an adult woman, I have had people share with me, "We're going to be friends." I laughed.  I thought it odd someone could make that announcement without my consent.  I have now learned, listen more - talk less.  I have had the blessing of persistent inquiry create relationships that I could not live without - a caution that I should be more patient in realizing that I do not understand every aspect of my journey.  Sometimes God sends you what you never knew you needed, but you always wanted. 

What if adult women...

1. Cheered for Each Other.

2. Judged less, but HELPED more. 

3. Said Thank YOU. 

4. Said I'm Sorry, and meant it. 

5. Forgave.

6. Worked to be the FRIEND that they find that they need.  

I imagine you have some Friendship Reflections of your own.  Today I celebrate these reflections - big and small.  I also pray for my circle of friends - those who I talk to every day, and those who have helped me grow along the way.  I'm better for the experiences that I've had.  I'm learning, just live long enough - life is a work in progress.  What have you learned about friendship along the way?