Three Ohio Victims - the Steubenville Lesson

There are three victims in the Steubenville rape case, not just 1.  We examine the lives of misguided youth through a lens that says the boys in this case were wrong.  The victim has been a topic on blogs, twitter and social media - but a quick scan of articles referenced the inappropriate efforts of attorneys to reference her drinking, her choices, her feedback that she did not remember how she ended up in the situation that led to national attention.  I am a mother of three children.  I have a daughter and two sons.  There are three victims in the Steubenville rape case, not just 1.

I am a Buckeye by birth and by heart.  I understand the culture in Northwest Ohio, and I pay attention when Toledo jokes, Defiance voter scandals and Holy Toledo references make mainstream media.  I have long since stopped defending all of the things I love about Ohio - UT College of Business and Innovation, the Toledo Museum of Art, the zoo - as if there is only 1 zoo in the world, Denison, SUA - to name a few.  I explain Tony Packo's, MASH, Jamie Farr, MudHens and a host of other Ohio cultural phenomenons with ease.  I wasn't such a football fan growing up, but I was a Friday Night Lights addict and I have come to cherish sports in unhealthy ways.  In this case, I think Ohio and the "football culture in Steubenville" are far from the issues at hand.

In an earlier post, I shared my feelings about promise unfulfilled and my angst about the verdict in the Kwame Kilpatrick case.  I thought about the decades before his rise to notariety, the infamous details of his life and failures placed on a national stage.  We read about prison terms, the label of being a juvenille sex offender, and the loss of promise and potential with a casual ease that is as disturbing as the crimes that were committed.  I do indeed believe crimes were in abundance for the Steubenville case - committed both by the teens and the adults surrounding them. 

My coverage of the case would have read something like this: 

1. Minors with access to drugs and alcohol make really stupid choices. 

2. Unsupervised teens without a moral compass or value base, or good judgement, make poor choices. 

3. Amidst a bad situation, technology used as a tool to create further harm for Ohio teen. 

4. Violation of basic decency leads to life lessons for youth and parents. 

Instead, I have read that the 16 and 17 year old boys are men who knew better.  The female has been identified as a victim, a girl, youth and young lady - with careful attention to scold the awful ways that she was described by her peers and upset parents. 

No, sport hero, athlete or young man should be exempt from the consequences of their actions based on their potential.  Nor should a 16 or 17 year old young man, teenager, youth - lose the potential of their future, their promise or their contribution to society - based on decisions made at this age.  I am grieved by the situation on so many levels.  I am grieved because of our societal reaction and the outrage of the community, where it has been convenient to take sides but unpopular to recount all of the facts that exist in the case.  I wasn't there.  As much as I love Ohio, I think this situation is one that is played out in beloved communities everywhere.  I think we are quick to judge and quick to place labels, but slow to offer solutions for the culture that we have created.  There are three victims in this case I believe.  Two boys who have been forever changed by their bad choices, and 1 young girl who will live with the impact of her choices for a lifetime. 

As a mother of boys and a girl, I grieve the entire situation.  They collectively deserve a better foundation and a stronger start to life.  Add the quick nature of technology, social media and 24 hour news coverage - and you have an even bigger problem.  I'm ready for the discussions that recognize we need a solution to the violence perpetrated against children and teens, and the thoughtful exchange about the challenge of raising moral youth in an immoral society.  The buck stops here, but I pray to God I never have to read about the failures of my children in blog columns that pick sides without at least an attempt, to propose true solutions.  

What do you think? 

To Whom Much is Given....Kwame Kilpatrick and Promise Unfulfilled

Promise, Potential and Problems 

But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required. - Luke 12:48

THE CONNECTION
I lived in and around the metro-Detroit community for nearly 10 years.  I can't think of our lives or our children without thinking about the time we spent making the drive up and down I-75.  As a Buckeye by nature, Michigan was an escape, an exploration ground, a place for growing.

I took the verdict in the Kwame Kilpatrick case more personally than many people I know.  I think I took it harder than I anticipated.  I would enter a conversation about the sad state of affairs that currently exists, and some would respond with a wide  brush of  "what he deserved", "the death of Detroit" and other general replies that just didn't capture what I was feeling.  I consider the verdict more than an overdue punishment, I think of  it as a tremendous loss.

I can't say I ever admired Kwame, but I did believe that he had potential.  The longer I lived in Detroit, the more I learned about the challenges of getting things done, the less I understood about his purpose, plan or potential.  It made me sad at the time, but eventually we left.  We are not native Detroiters, we moved first out of the city, then out of the state.  We cared deeply and gave back in more ways that I can count, but it wasn't home and it wasn't moving in the direction where we could raise our family and thrive.  We felt that we had to make a different choice.

THE CHOICES
I think about the choices that Kwame made and I have worked to learn more about him since we left.  Even before learning about his academic and sports achievements and the promise he held in the eyes of those around him, I thought of him as a future leader of my generation.  I thought that our kids are of similar ages, and I thought about the fact that he is someone's child.  I decided to write, not about his choices or the sad spiral of a legacy that now exists - but about the loss of potential.  How is it possible that someone with raw talent, ability and acumen can fall so far?

I believe in a God of grace and a God of second chances, and a God of consequences.  I thank God for his grace, and the third, fourth and fifth chances I get everyday.  I also know how painful the consequences can be, and how learning lessons over and over again may not resonate until you have grown to understand why you keep repeating a set of behaviors.  I have had public success and public failure - but never on the scale of Kwame Kilpatrick.  I remember a cabinet appointment he once made, and I thought that I would have fulfilled the role well - but I wasn't "in" the crowd, or connected in that way.  I now thank God for that too.  Understanding the tremendous price the City of Detroit and the many dedicated people who love the city have paid, I wonder now about the people that surrounded him, his family, his colleagues, his cabinet and his life.  What is the obligation to speak up, speak out and speak loudly, when you see someone running away from their purpose? What do we do in our everyday lives to redirect and reclaim the potential around us?

MY REFLECTION
As a mother of boys, my heart goes out - not to Kwame - but to the countless families who have their personal failures experienced in a public forum.  To whom much is given, much is required.  I delight in the potential of my boys, ages 9 and 10, and I wonder about their future.  Today my 9 year old asked me where he should go to college - our ride to school was filled with conversations about what he aspires to do, and what we can do to support his aspirations.  Mothers across the country have this conversation every day.  They squeal with delight at a perfect presentation score, mourn a lack of productivity lost to play station or a tablet, invest in athletic programs, raise up a child "in the way that he should go" and pray for safety, health and wisdom.  Under that abundance of passion and promise - there must be a purpose, a plan and a set of values that guide both the "how" and the "what" we do.

The lessons from this tale of morality run deep - for parents and children alike.  What do we do when we see promise and potential in abundance - what lessons do we teach and what systems to be build - so that his story is not the story that gets told over and over again.  There are so many young men who have the potential to impact, likely change, the world.  The true teaching, training and impact starts with building their character and their core.  I was reminded as I read countless articles about the verdict, that the responsibility starts at home.  If you learn to value the prize at the end of the journey, before you understand the importance of the journey, we lose much more than one person.  We have the potential to lose whole generations.  I have been reflective for the past few weeks about what I need to teach, what I need to do, how often I should pray....so that the next cautionary tale doesn't hit closer to home.  We can do better if we learn something from this.  I believe we must.

In Search of Game

My little people are far more athletic than I have ever been. I love that about them. They are not moved by the fact that every tae kwon do, gymnastics, volleyball, swimming or sports experience is filled with many lessons we can't quite relate to. But, I've got one son who loves basketball. I mean, he practices outside in shooting hoops in my neighbors rim, for as long as you will allow. It isn't our natural thing.

We are amazing at teaching story problems, fractions, vocabulary words, writing prompts - and he's got the grades to prove it. After a long and drawn out teasing his straight A grade card was neither that exciting or that hot of a topic - he just does what he does without much fanfare. I attended one of his few basketball games last week and that experience was not the same. I tell you, check out moms action stop. Do you see that form. Concentration. Focus. And do you see that it looks like he's running a sprint and not playing ball. How much of having game is nature? How much is nurture?

Our kids have inherited a tendency to do better at solo activities while they struggle with team experiences. This child, however, tends to do well at both. In the heart of Indiana where basketball is beloved by all, I can't help wish that my father was more invested in teaching and training. My father was the coach of all coaches when it came to basketball. He taught inner city hoops with flare and substance, did much better than he did in parenting. There are students that still credit him for their growth and development. No comment there. Just wondering though, can you teach a Suburban Black kid with little basketball instinct to play ball.

At a dinner party recently I had friends suggest to us, "you need to enroll him in Black Ball." Really. I don't care if its politically incorrect, they cautioned me about the "recreational league" that I enrolled him in. I indicated it was just about the basics, no stress, no future Lebron aspirations. And they uniformly responded, you better get him in Black Ball soon.

At the ripe old age of 7 I'm starting to sense he's behind the curve. I laughed on Sunday because I was sure he was close to a foul everytime he tried to snatch the ball from his opponent. When I looked at the pics that make a moms heart smile, I couldn't help but land on this one. I started thinking, what are we running to and what are we running from. We're happy to be in the Suburbs, but I miss some of the things the kids would naturally learn from the neighborhood I grew up in. Down the street he could have learned to play ball nearly free of charge, extra bandaids and some non-Walmart tennis shoes, and he'd be set. It wouldn't have been a big deal that he didn't have his own basketball court - few kids did. The only guy that I knew with his own court, couldn't play and tried harder to makeout near the swings than shoot hoops. I digress.

In search of game really speaks to the double lives children of color lead. I'm not even going to write about the Suburban clubs that spend more time eliminating potential young ladies than creating a place to nurture them and expose them to peers who share their experiences. I'm not quite over it, but I'm getting there. Living in the suburbs has brought better schools, better property values and more diverse issues. I need a second job to teach my boys how to have game, while I'm teaching them to navigate this game that we chose.

Watch out world. The best scientist that can ball is coming your way soon. He's not in search of much but his personal success, and he's well on his way.

Wisdom

Words of Wisdom about what you will impart to your children was a featured topic on the Crazy Mama connection this week. I love the folks that visit that site because it has helped me to read as much as I write - and explore the other thoughts and cool mommy bloggers. Make sure to share your Words of Wisdom too.

I used to dislike that title "Mommy Bloggers", but the reality is that I am a Mother and I am Political, and I have a dry sense of humor and I am Black, and thus....there are a lot of reasons to read my Christian, yet imperfect, walk, in the pages of this blog. And...."Crazy MBA Mama Blogger" doesn't have a ring to it, nor does any of the other titles I considered briefly.

I have three beautiful and brilliant children with a man that I have been married to for the last 12 years. I wanted to ensure that my children had an active father in their lives but it never really occurred to me that I had picked someone that had a similar "distant" relationship with their own father. Enter God. I have the most family oriented husband around, who isn't surprised that the Chrysler Towne and Country is the closest he'll get to prosperity & virility symbols for a little bit. God is an awesome example when you are searching for models in this life of ours.

Our words of wisdom will include:

1. Accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. I'm not preaching against the members of Bedside Baptist but life is too hard to not have a guiding North Star - and as for me and my house, "We shall worship the Lord." People get all bent out of shape because of this or that religion issue - and I have room for lots of questions after 12 years of Catholic Schooling. But when Beyonce is jealous she isn't Latina, Vanessa is sending photos of her musical behind across the web, and Brittney can't listen to a dozen folks holding mirrors in front of her....well people, they need to believe in something that gives to them and doesn't just take from them.

2. Take care of each other. I hated my mother's threats to my brother and I that we were "all each other had." Surely it wasn't true. I have a big enough family, loving aunts, extended family, a great grandmother.... but she was right. when it comes down to it she taught us to be there for each other no matter what. 14 odd tattoo's later - I love my brother with all my heart. Teaching our children to take care of each other is a very important lesson for us.

3. You must out perform racism. Don't have to agree with Colin Powell to understand his words. Don't have to like everything about Dr. Condi to respect her achievements. Don't have to like the fact that this is truer in 2007 than ever before. In our home we will teach our children to outperform every limitation on their life. Will this remove racism? NO. However, I quietly present to you that children with a 1600 Sat aren't questioned about Affirmative Action, the best on the team doesn't have to defend why they were selected, a math genius is able to calculate what they are worth in a job market, and a prima ballerina who can dance to Amerie is looked at as "balanced."

4. You are African-American. In order to live your life with the happiness you deserve recognize that it is your job, and nobody else will see it quite like you - to know "the rest of the story". Media, history books, others - will never be your guide for who you are. If you want to really know about the history of our people, start with the history of your family. There is a rich cross section of history right there.

5. Burn your journals. I mean really, I saved letters from 4th grade through post college, and well - EMBARRASSED. Burn baby burn.

6. Marry Rich. I'm sorry but I will teach this lesson alongside my 101 lessons on independence, entrepreneurship, self-sufficiency and higher education. As my friend says about the golden Rule, He who has the Gold makes the Rules. And I'm just not opposed to integrating financial intelligence with good choices. Save your sighs of my materialism, I will not apologize. And if John and Jack, or Emily and LaToya are standing apples to apples on values, poise, character, loving you......um, financial solvency for $1,000,000 please.

7. Honor Thy Father and Mother that thy lives shall be long...or your life will be painful.

8. Own your mistakes. They will either build you or bury you, and we'll love you even through the painful days.

9. Iron sharpens Iron. You attract people to you that have things in common with you. Be the best person you can be, make the life of someone else better, give back, practice philanthropy along side random acts of kindness, and it will come back to you.

10. Tomorrow is not promised. Live life to its fullest and when all is said and done - can you look in the mirror and say you are proud of what you have become? If so, nothing else need be said. Oh, and....don't forget, go bck to #1 in all things.

Don't have to agree...but hey, I'm talking about my words of wisdom in a society where OJ gets more press than Dunbar Village, a client used the phrase nigger in a story she told me - without any thought of how inappropriate it would be, Sharpton is seen as a role model, only a small group of children no Mae J and 3/4 of all youth know .25 cent - he's not worth .50, and you kinda have to just roll with me on my point here. Barack Obama is questioned for "ummm lack of qualifications" and lack of Blackness.

In 2007, I better have a lot of wisdom to share. My husband and I both do. We are raising young black children at a time when their lives still aren't valued, we still have to teach what to do if the police ever pull you over, and we have extensive rules about being a girl and what it means in a majority culture school where you are examined for more than your academic achievements but as a representative of an entire race. in 2007. and as I said - your faith in an omnipotent God has to carry you where your sanity and understanding of race, culture, politics and religion will not.

Jena 6 and mothering young black boys

I have many thoughts about the Jena 6, not the least of which asks what happened to the coverage of Dunbar Village and the repeated acts of aggression on women of color. Yet, with two small sons at home, I can't help but think about the impact of this type of action on their lives. I know of countless youth who have had their lives forever altered by a miscarriage of false justice.

I don't have a lot of sadness for Michael Vick but I do look at the impact of our society priorities, media bias and passive coverage of key issues on the growth of black boys.

Here's some of the story from the website where I found out some of the details about the story:

I learned about a case of segregation-era oppression happening today in Jena, Louisiana. I signed onto ColorOfChange.org's campaign for justice in Jena, and wanted to invite you to do the same.

http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1661-415264

Last fall in Jena, the day after two Black high school students sat beneath the "white tree" on their campus, nooses were hung from the tree. When the superintendent dismissed the nooses as a "prank," more Black students sat under the tree in protest. The District Attorney then came to the school accompanied by the town's police and demanded that the students end their protest, telling them, "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy... I can take away your lives with a stroke of my pen."

A series of white-on-black incidents of violence followed, and the DA did nothing. But when a white student was beaten up in a schoolyard fight, the DA responded by charging six black students with attempted murder and conspiracy to commit murder.

It's a story that reads like one from the Jim Crow era, when judges, lawyers and all-white juries used the justice system to keep blacks in "their place." But it's happening today. The families of these young men are fighting back, but the story has gotten minimal press. Together, we can make sure their story is told and that the Governor of Louisiana intervenes and provides justice for the Jena 6. It starts now. Please join me:

http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1661-415264

The noose-hanging incident and the DA's visit to the school set the stage for everything that followed. Racial tension escalated over the next couple of months, and on November 30, the main academic building of Jena High School was burned down in an unsolved fire. Later the same weekend, a black student was beaten up by white students at a party. The next day, black students at a convenience store were threatened by a young white man with a shotgun. They wrestled the gun from him and ran away. While no charges were filed against the white man, the students were later arrested for the theft of the gun.

That Monday at school, a white student, who had been a vocal supporter of the students who hung the nooses, taunted the black student who was beaten up at the off-campus party and allegedly called several black students "nigger." After lunch, he was knocked down, punched and kicked by black students. He was taken to the hospital, but was released and was well enough to go to a social event that evening.

Six Black Jena High students, Robert Bailey (17), Theo Shaw (17), Carwin Jones (18), Bryant Purvis (17), Mychal Bell (16) and an unidentified minor, were expelled from school, arrested and charged with second-degree attempted murder. The first trial ended last month, and Mychal Bell, who has been in prison since December, was convicted of aggravated battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated battery (both felonies) by an all-white jury in a trial where his public defender called no witnesses. During his trial, Mychal's parents were ordered not to speak to the media and the court prohibited protests from taking place near the courtroom or where the judge could see them.

Mychal is scheduled to be sentenced on July 31st, and could go to jail for 22 years. Theo Shaw's trial is next. He will finally make bail this week.

The Jena Six are lucky to have parents and loved ones who are fighting tooth and nail to free them. They have been threatened but they are standing strong. We know that if the families have to go it alone, their sons will be a long time coming home. But if we act now, we can make a difference.

Join me in demanding that Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco get involved to make sure that justice is served for Mychal Bell, and that DA Reed Walters drop the charges against the 5 boys who have not yet gone to trial.

http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1661-415264

Thanks.