My Sisterhood is Changing....

Motherhood is not a silo experience.  

Not in my world, not in the way my children have experienced life.  I'm understanding more and more, my sisterhood and my life, are changing.

A few months ago I wrote a post about the juggling that happens in motherhood.  I thought it would be a light release of all the things related to ordering your inner and outer world.  I used the language that was freely used in my circle to define the special crazy that is being a mother.  I didn't expect what came next, a reminder that change is the only constant. 

I have 3 children at three different schools, they ride three different buses, for three different start times.  No pity necessary, but it is the lens that colors how I view life.  The sisterhood has always been another way to view life - sometimes being reminded how much to be thankful for or how much laughter is necessary when I've managed to lose my way.  I'm thankful for my sisterfriends and the sisterhood that supports me in this journey.  The sisterhood is just changing.

My mother was famous for saying, "Life isn't fair, the sooner you learn it the better you'll be."  She also said, "Everyone isn't going to like you, you better figure out how to be your own best friend."  I didn't realize then how hard she had to parent a bit of a sensitive child that was attracted to justice, equity and a belief that life should be full of roses.  The reality is even in my earliest of days, she was teaching me lessons for the future.

In my Christian walk I am reminded, we were never promised life without pain or hardship.  Motherhood is a very special club and I have evolved to understand, your circle can change just as your life changes.  Change can be necessary and difficult all at the same time.  I just believe firmly, the journey is made better with true friends. 

If you read my posts, you'll know that I have often talked about my wife reality, from Domestic Sexy to things I just don't understand, like the Fear of Laundry completion.  None of those things defines life overall, but I think the reality of being a mother and being a wife are elements of the same story, my story.  I couldn't be the mother that I am without having my husband, the one that accepts my flaws and knows my heart.   I am also a better mother because of the truest of sisterfriends that continue to build my experiences in this journey.

I was blessed with an unexpected post about my philanthropy during this August celebration of Black Philanthropy month #BPM2013.  The questions made me reflect on my work and my dreams, in addition to my understanding of motherhood and this sisterhood.  I have been blessed with Aunties, Godparents, Grandma's, Granny's, Women of the Church, Neighbors, Parents of the Kids friends, 2nd Family Members, etc., to round out that support network that allows so much more than I every realized.  You can read my Ms. Eva post to learn more. 

No matter how complex life gets, there should always be... 

1) Someone who knows your heart, and loves you anyway.  

2) A sisterhood that holds you up, at your best and at your worst.  

3) A group that shares your values and aspirations.

4) Someone to travel with and a family to play date with. 

5) Someone who can run faster, jump higher, cook better, excel quicker than you.  Aspiration and competition work hand in hand, when you encourage and acknowledge each other. 

I don't know how mothers make it work.  I'm not certain how you handle your mama schedule, mama lessons, mama date nights and mama friends.  I do know, if you are one of those life altering anchors or very special ride or die friends, I hope someone has told you thank you.  Life changes, your sisterhood may change, but the need for "your circle" should not change.  Today I'm wondering, how do you handle the changes?

Comfort Zone

So this weekend we traded in our tranquility for a Backyard barbecue of sorts. I had decided I would just invite some folks over which is contrary to our traditional nature. (We're not people people - friendly enough - not very social though.) We decided we wouldn't keep waiting for things to be the "ideal" time, set-up, or whatever...we would just invite friends for food and fellowship. Well my once serene backyard doesn't look like that right now. It is filled with backyard toys, the community approved slide set, a cooler and remnants of lawn chairs and grill tools. I'm learning that truly there is a season for everything.

When we first moved we were just as happy to have time out on the patio for nothing but serenity. With the idea of a backyard barbecue came the preparation, multi-tasking, an array of guests, and things that inevitably fall short of you aspirations. More importantly however, we managed to get together with friends and people we care about. I guess, all things considered, it's a nice change of pace. We're pressing out of our comfort zone - and picture perfect, we're growing beyond that ideal for something right sized just for us.

The Birthday Card

I used to believe in the power of Birthday's....but now I believe in the power of every day. ~ A. A. Laramore

There was a season in life where I believed that birthday's were powerful. I thought they should be celebrated, embraced and everyone around you could influence the power of that magic day. A day to embrace all that is uniquely you. I believe that for other people nowadays, not so much for myself.

I send birthday cards - often late, I let people know they are special, I search for pictures or personal items that will make them think about our connection, or sometimes, I just search for that perfect card that says it all. I can spend endless hours in Hallmark (sometimes even Walmart or Krogers) trying to find the perfect sentiment. In my reflective moods I write letters, make cards and do some scrapbook something or another. I just think that getting older I've decided - one day a year means very little in the overall scheme of things.

People should know that you care about them all throughout the year - not just one day. I have at times had a very strained relationship with my father - and he is maybe the most prompt person regarding cards for my birthday. I get cards just about every year, as an adult, and during his "feeling more connected" seasons - he'd send a book, a check or something along those lines. I rarely used the money for myself but I do note the money goes away when he's not feeling particularly happy with something I said or did. It goes that way this year. He wrote on the card additional language and inscriptions that weren't there - and I smiled a bit when I got it. I don't believe it, but I still smiled. I also get a card from his sister, my aunt, and it arrives on time too. Funny how some things which should make you smile with glee can do the opposite. Sometimes what happens on one day a year is a reminder of what may not happen 364 days a year. No statistics needed here.

I got a birthday card from a friend who has at times been my dearest confidante and upon occassion just a flake. I love her dearly. After a few episodes of miscommunication I thought our relationship might be forever lost. She mattered enough to try again, and I'm so glad I did. When her card arrived I didn't even read the card part - she had written a 2 page letter that made my heart sing. We have a lot in common - and many differences as well. The one thing that we have always shared is the love of snail mail. I was more excited to see her handwriting than anything else in my mail box, and her card was more about the possibility of relationships than the limits of one day a year. I was so glad I read it last.

Birthday's aren't completely lost on me. My children are my biggest joy in that arena. I have had rocket birthday's, ballet and princess fanfare, a ladybug luncheon, and a sports party that was out of this world. At every turn I was tickled by the squeals of glee - some were elaborate, others not more than a cake and time with family and friends. We've done superheroes, 1 buddy at the science center, but all of that means very little in the bigger scheme of life - it is one day. The true celebration of life is in the living of it each day. When I think about that, my children will always know the importance of celebrating each other - but it won't be tied to 1 anything. This smile could carry me for another year.

We celebrate the love of each other in the big and the small, in peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, in big dates out, in Superbowl celebrations with a small screen t.v. I am blessed that my children won't define their relationship with me based on the nuiances of a card. They will a lifetime of memories, a boat load of hugs and kisses, fancy expressions and many casual days - to know that birthday's are more than cards. Birthday's are for the living, and marked by opportunity to remember, give thanks, and celebrate with those that truly love you - which sometimes means no real "celebration" at all. Unless dinner with the kids and the husband (I'm thinking turkey hotdogs), a good cup of coffee (Folger's Hazelnut sounds like it will hit the spot) and a lifetime of reflecting on those that truly love you is a celebration to anyone else. Happy Birthday to me, a whole day early.