Friendship Reflections - Part II

I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent.  
Caring for myself is an act of survival.  
- Audre Lorde 

Adult friendship is a part of my survival.  I thank God for the women who love me fully, and know me fully, too.  I don't always make the mark - I often fall short of who I aspire to be in this regard.  Today, however, I'm reminded about the blessings of true friendship.  Those people who help you remember who you are... 

I had an experience early in my relocation that led me to write Friendship Reflections  that knocked my foundation, and my understanding about adult friendships, a bit. I asked a friend to do me a favor that I assumed was no big deal.  I was living in Indiana, my life was still oriented in Michigan - and I was in store for a major life lesson. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.  It's a Maya Angelou quote I've shared often, but I can't say I've gotten that much better at heading the warning that is inherent. 

When you are in need of a friend, life situations are a Big Deal.  All of those years ago, my foundation was turned on its ear because my vision of friendship has been clear since I declared Alisha my Wonder Woman Sister at age 5.  As an adult woman I cherish those relationships and cherish the life lessons too.  To everything there is a season, and when the warning signs are all around, we have to learn to listen. I often talk to my teenage daughter about friendship.  She read a recent exchange that I had with someone, then offered, "Wow mom, she's not that nice to you." She didn't know the whole story, but she was smart enough to examine the situation.  We can learn a lot from the young women we are raising.
 
My original post lamented, the only person to examine in a friendship looks back at you every morning. I'd like to see that inscribed on a necklace somewhere or made into a Pandora charm. I was speaking wisdom and I didn't even realize the extent.  When this past week had me reflecting on my countless blessings, and the sadness of disappointment in people, I was reminded of the original post.  One reason to blog is because it helps you keep a running perspective of your own life.  Maybe you are able to help someone else along the way.

Everyone should have a friend that makes them want to be better.  Everyone should have a friend that inspires them to be more thoughtful, more proactive, more creative, more innovative, more patient.... MORE.  Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."  I am in the process of being sharpened.  Every person should have a friend that not only makes them want to be more, but someone who makes them stop long enough to recognize, they are ENOUGH, too.  Jesus told Mary's haters, "She did what she could."  I'm learning to be okay with my legacy during various seasons being that "I did what I could."

As an adult woman, I have had people share with me, "We're going to be friends." I laughed.  I thought it odd someone could make that announcement without my consent.  I have now learned, listen more - talk less.  I have had the blessing of persistent inquiry create relationships that I could not live without - a caution that I should be more patient in realizing that I do not understand every aspect of my journey.  Sometimes God sends you what you never knew you needed, but you always wanted. 

What if adult women...

1. Cheered for Each Other.

2. Judged less, but HELPED more. 

3. Said Thank YOU. 

4. Said I'm Sorry, and meant it. 

5. Forgave.

6. Worked to be the FRIEND that they find that they need.  

I imagine you have some Friendship Reflections of your own.  Today I celebrate these reflections - big and small.  I also pray for my circle of friends - those who I talk to every day, and those who have helped me grow along the way.  I'm better for the experiences that I've had.  I'm learning, just live long enough - life is a work in progress.  What have you learned about friendship along the way? 

The Mama Sisterhood

MOTHERHOOD is a Club....

and you have to respect the Mama Sisterhood! 

Noah at the Drumline Performance.

There is a good reason why I'm inclined to identify myself as a mother, but I don't often reference being a wife - in many ways they are intertwined.  If you read my posts, you'll know that I have often talked about my wife reality, from Domestic Sexy to things I just don't understand, like the Fear of Laundry completion.  None of those things defines life overall, but I think the reality of being a mother and being a wife are in my life elements of the same story.  I couldn't be the mother that I am without having a husband.  I grew up with a mother who encouraged excellence, set an extremely high bar, did everything she could to give me the advantages of my peers, and instructed me that education was a tool for moving beyond what I could see around me.  She also did everything, in essence, by herself.  In a conversation earlier this week I was reminded of her struggles to navigate a rocky landscape for my brother and I, and the many differences that exist in our lives, and our life choices.  The reality is even in my earliest of days, she was teaching me lessons for the future.

MY REALITY

Music man exploring options.

I love to SMASH - no not just eat good food, but Smash my memories in scrapbooks, journals and the latest of my obsessions, SMASH Books that allow for a more impromptu collection of experiences.  What I have realized, largely because I take pictures on the fly, (and I have yet to start a KickStarter campaign to fund a new camera)....my photos don't tell the full story.  I look at our changing landscape and I fight against this notion of "it takes a village," because I believe you have to be responsible for YOUR own village, before the village can help.  I know that sounds unclear.  Before I realized the need for additional help, and the benefit of quality support, I recognized that it took two to make a thing go right - at least in our household.  I'm not as strong as my mother, as independent as my mother, as well paid as my mother (who had 1 degree less and a wealth more natural talent) or as selfless as my mother. I thought from day 1 - I need long term help, as in the kind that means you are there every day, in every way.   God then blessed us with Aunties, Godparents, Grandma's, Granny's, Women of the Church, Neighbors, Parents of the Kids friends, 2nd Family Members, etc., to round out that support network that allows so much more than I every realized.  You can read my Ms. Eva post to learn more about my circle. 

MY REFLECTION 

This is not a dad high 5 post - although fatherhood is a topic that matters to me dearly.  Sometimes it keeps me up at night.  It is a personal reality check, however.  I can sponsor a Jack and Jill event for 2 age groups to see Drumline, because my husband supports the endeavor and has only a minor cringe when I communicate the cost.  I can be there for the track meet events, because I wasn't there in the morning seeing that everyone made the bus and had breakfast, many mornings he does that.  I can take a kidlet to explore the arts, because the other kidlet is at Basketball practice with his father.  When I was growing up, the equation wasn't so simple.  Heck, this is our life and it isn't simple.  We have gone from man-to-man to zone, and we've been working for 13 years to figure it out.  This Mama Hustle is absolutely no joke, but I am able to be a better mother because I have permanent assistance, in the kind that comes with having a full-time father in the home.

MY REQUEST 

The days I hope I remember always.

It has been an emotional week.  If ever I could have a therapy fund this might have been a good time to use it.  I reflected on the things that I wanted to do, wanted to try, aspired to experience....and I thought of my mother, my aunts, my grandmother doing all that they could to make it so.  I used to be so much more critical of the choices of others - because I just had not lived long enough.  I get it. I get it. I get it.  We all make choices, we all do the best that we can, we all dance the dance of life and navigate the circumstances as they change.  In pursuit of joy, and in an effort to find my joy, today I celebrate children, motherhood and the support network - yes the village - that makes a difference.  I wanted to scream this morning when I had a small self-reflection about how people don't realize what you've done in trying to make a difference in the lives of others....and then I looked more deeply in that mirror myself.  We could all do a better job of recognizing how we, "Make it Do what It Do!"  Motherhood is not a silo experience, not in my world, not in the way my children have experienced life.

So - Willy Wonka has a local premier tonight - got a kid in that.  Divisionals for swimming - got a kid in that.  Studying fractions and echoing short answer questions - got a kid who doesn't even realize he'll be doing that, or no football this season.  More importantly, however - I think I'll hug a little deeper, snuggle a little more intently, smile as I taxi, and say a prayer of thanks - this life of motherhood, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Well, funding that life should be done differently....but that is indeed another post!  How do you make it work?  How do you perfect your mama schedule?  What lessons have you carried from childhood?  How do you do life differently for the sake of your children?  Who would you thank for helping you become the mother that you are?  or are you one of those life altering anchors that makes some mother thankful to have that unyielding support?  If she hasn't said it lately, THANK YOU.

Next Generation Workers...The Telecommuting MYTHs

The news is in a complete buzz about the recent decision to eliminate telecommuting by none other than Yahoo.  There is some clear irony about the idea of a technology company mandating a physical presence in order to assess work performance and re-orient their working world.  The implications for the decision will largely resonate with two audiences of particular importance to me, working mothers and those who currently have some level of telecommuting arrangement.  I hope that Yahoo's decision doesn't cascade into the minds and strategies of those businesses that understand working from home, and those that actually get it right.  

In my career I have spent large amounts of time as a consultant and strategists, often having a mobile office that went from place to place.  When I first became a mother, I had no idea that I would later decide that I did not want to work 70 hour work weeks on average, a standard that I had created.  I am so thankful that I worked for a Board of Directors who were both insightful and good business people.  Flexibility is key for many professionals who give above and beyond what any one person should be asked to do within one job assignment.  I know that I have friends and peers who currently balance what should be the equivalent of no fewer than 3 jobs.  Flexibility allows the priorities of life to someone blend into a more effective balance, and it allows for the use of time and resources in more innovative ways than being tied to a desk.  There is no question what side of this debate I support. 

How many people are tied to their smart phones, making the dumb decisions to answer every call and every email, even when sent at inappropriate times?  How many of us recognize that we have conditioned people within our professional circle to expect replies and follow-up instantaneously, when we have different priorities or work that should be done away from email?  How much of this current debate reflects a lack of clarity about job performance, metrics and evaluation standards - and not some ill conceived notion of a colleague sitting at home in their bathrobe taking calls, while drinking lattes and watching TV?  For those who seriously understand and have experienced working from home, you know that reality is much different. 

Working from home, in many ways mirrors working for yourself.  You now have the freedom to start your day at the earliest possible hour and end your day at the latest possible hour, in an attempt to best serve your employer and to demonstrate you have earned the flexibility given.  That also means you are highly self-reflective, evaluating your value, contributions and achievements on a regular and consistent basis.  While I can only imagine that somewhere someone is taking advantage of the system, there are countless others who prove the importance of flexibility, trust and performance in the marketplace. 

With that said, office time can be overrated.  While I am particularly blessed with a tremendous set of colleagues to work with, someone should also study the time wasted within the course of the standard work day.  The number of activities and initiatives to build staff connectivity, might be better spent allowing people to connect with their own families.  A good working relationship doesn't mean that you spend every holiday in celebration, celebrate every event with food or foster team-building by mandatory time together. Team-building can be an important aspect of any work environment, and it starts with a respect for each persons contributions, skills and talents.  We could eliminate a fair amount of activities if we simply held performance in very high regard.  The value of time is lost in our society. 

Job-Sharing, Telecommunity, Virtual Offices and a regard for online operations matters in today's society.  Being an effective team player doesn't mean you see my face each day, it should mean that you see my value.  At least that is what I hope.  I am reminded on this day to not only be thankful for good leadership, but to also be persistent in what true communication and dialogue is all about.  If we put down our phones, walked away from email, stopped a hyper sense of organization based on technology, maybe we could foster a real conversation - about productivity, work/life balance, and achievement.  Those things matter regardless of where you are working from.  Maybe it is a bigger question, who are we working unto....man, or something, or someone, greater! 

What are your thoughts?  Share your comments - as long as you are not wasting work time doing so.