Helping at Home

Whenever married women get together there is inevitably a conversation about household chores. I've talked about Domestic Sexy in past posts and highlighted a few amazing days with due credit given. At some point one of the women in my clique will say something that is the equivalent to "it isn't worth the effort." I always state that after 14 years of marriage, the partnership should indeed, be a partnership. It might not be done like you would like it done, but get over it. I say this often. I'm going to stop.

See, we haven't had matching socks in months. It started one season when I went on strike and I didn't care what happened. I literally only searched for my clean clothes and I have plenty of hosiery options that I can rely on most days. One of the kids asked about socks early in the school year and I promptly directed them to their own drawer. They replied, "we don't have socks." I know there are socks and plenty of them. And then....I started the investigation.

For my entire strike the socks were conveniently placed in unmatched batches at the bottom of a variety of baskets, with no regard to size, owner or style. Within a few weeks the socks had no mates and the mess was expanding. On one particular morning, the sock hunt led to the photo above, where well meaning children were trying to identify the things that belonged to them. I have now made up in my mind, there is no equity in helping at home. Three months later and the socks have still never been the same. They went away for a few days in August and their grandmother simply purchased new socks. She will be saddened to know that they too have gone into the group wash, non sort, non match, non put away experience. This is so not domestic sexy. This is so why married women suggest that their spouse need not help at home.

I think its a plot of intentional proportions when a degreed male can not accomplish laundry success. I'm the one with about 10 dozen miss matched socks all over my house, too. This would be a non-issue, but its Winter. Funds are low. The work load is high. And the socks are all over because I was convinced that my hiatus would mandate more help. Not so much.

Domestic Sexy

It has been nearly 13 years, and I don't define sexy in the same way anymore. I was talking to someone recently about the decision to be happy and laughing at what time, age and maturity will bring to a relationship. I got mulched on Mother's Day, and I'm sure it would be a much less exciting achievement for a younger woman. Really, when I thought about what I wanted in celebration of being a mom - it wasn't much aside from the comfort of motherhood and our life. The kids had come up with a variety of flowers and such (mainly created from the loving hands of pre-school teachers I could just kiss, really); and my husband mulched me. That's pretty sexy.

I decided to write today, not because of the mulch, but another level of domestic bliss. Rodent kill. Yep, my husband has been dutifully working at decreasing the chipmunk population in my nature preserves in the back yard. I had given him plenty of feedback about how to address this increasingly annoying issue, including the store, the product and the method to eliminate any sign of these nasty creatures. And true to form - he did NOTHING I asked. He investigated his own method, found these cumbersome traps with directions in 10 languages, and decided not to drown the varmints but to take them miles away and free them. I am not kidding. He doesn't recycle, but he wants to spare the chipmunks a pond death (which was my suggestion) and just take them to a new home. By this morning we had seen 6 chipmunks, old and young, small and large, fast and seemingly faster. When I returned home from church (with a scoff at the wasted peanut butter and bird seed), my daughter delighted in telling me that 2 had been captured. (I now owe my husband $2 for his success.) Within a few hours number three were released in a nature preserve about 8 miles away. I could further comment on the ridiculous nature of his method, but what a domestically sexy move. I tell you, it comes in on my top 10 list now somewhere around cutting the lawn after church on Sunday, or turning back my side of the bed when I'm destined to reach there first. Domestic sexy.

I joined an alumni website for Purdue and had enough mixed emotions to cause stomach upset. I was getting ready to decide just how old I felt, when I was refreshed by the fact that some things indeed are just much better with time. I don't have enough wine experience to make a good analogy, but I do have plenty of experience in relationships. I think about those that are for a time, a reason and a season...but more importantly, those that are for a lifetime. I must be a complete pain to live with - yep, I admit it. I'm stubborn, often evil, fiercely protective, and a tad judgmental. Most importantly, though, I am loved for just being me. I give up art shows in this lifetime for mounds of yard work, and get untold joy from all garbage cans being emptied and taken out without my feedback or request. I enjoy Sex and the City as much as foreign affairs, politics and good literature. I am who I am, and I am completely smitten with domestic sexy.

I can't relate to men who don't do diapers, bath time or kidlet duty. I am scared by fathers who use the term baby sit in any reference to their own personal relationship with their children. I share real life stories with young women who ask me about marriage that are neither of the fairy tale brand or idealistic. The one thing that I can do well, however, is capture the essence of marital bliss for this real woman. Dishes are divine. Mopped floors are magical. Laundry completed is luxurious. And being mulched...magnificent. Don't get me wrong, an overdue date, dinner out or a poetry slam is pretty nice; and I'm looking forward to an overdue vacation. Somewhere really nice. Without the children. For today however, I'll just glow in domestic sexy and look at the pond as the chipmunks disappear one by one!

Pure joy.

Presidential Valentine's

I have had some friends indicate in one way or another that they believe my support for Barack is over the top. I really disagree, I've posted about my issues w/a few of his stances on many occasions. Reality is though, I guess we vote for whomever motivates us to believe they are capable of making decisions that benefit our home, our community, our nation and our world.

As a married woman of nearly 13 years, I must say that I have the utmost respect for Barack Obama's decision to spend Valentine's Day with his wife. At the most heated point in this political process, with negative ads airing in multiple states, and on the heels of several high profile mess starters (i.e. Julian come lately Bond) Obama spent time at home. I know that he was probably on a flight at darkthirty in the morning back on the stump, but it did my heart good to think of someone with their priorities in the right place. Win or lose, he has a family, a wife and 2 girls to care for. I want to believe in a leader who understands the tremendous demands and pressures that are placed on an individual who answers the call to service. I want to believe in a man like Barack Obama.

I am heartened to know that there are people throughout this nation who are rethinking their obligations as a SuperDelegate. I had started wondering if I was the only person who thought it strange that someone could vote against the overwhelming will of the people throughout their state. Michigan and Florida broke the rules, I don't even think there should be an additional conversation about that. But my same heart that relishes the idea of a man of character leading this country, would be equally heartened if a woman of character were to lead this country. Maybe next time there will be one in the race and I'll be able to make that choice. For me, there's not much debate.

The policy differences are just that, slight differences without great distinction. The goals and objectives of their healthcare plans are not worlds apart, the greater issue becomes timing for covering the most and hardest to cover people. I'm a little slow to open my heart on this argument, I was dismayed by the debate regarding a higher minimum wage when I'm still looking for my wage increase to pay student loans. But I digress. Since I'm not a liberal extremist Barack didn't always appear to be a likely choice. I voted Republican so recently that I'm still repenting. That being said - I have 3 children who are now able to spill out Barack facts with the best of strangers. They are increasing their historical references for Michelle too, and she's no slacker. He married an equal, an amazing woman of substance I'd be happy to have in Washington. I'm thinking if she had run, she'd be the one with my vote. She's a wife, a mother, and a woman of amazing accomplishment and substance - and I can fully understand making the decision to spend Valentine's Day with her. After all, I'm a newbie to the all encompassing political watch - but I'm convinced, Michelle having his back is a good place for him to be with more hullabaloo to come.

The Vice of Choice

My husband eats Rum Raisin ice cream nearly every night. Haagen Dazs - without exception. He eats an entire pint with a spoon, no bowl. He has done this for nearly a decade. Typically, he eats this 1,200 calorie treat after midnight.

So I ponder, am I good wife for buying it or a bad wife for allowing him to consume soo many calories and excess sugar each night. I am clearly an enabler. If he had to purchase the ice cream he would still continue to eat it just less often. Frankly, I would lose valuable wife credit because sometimes I buy it when I really have nada to say to him at all. It may be my biggest make up gesture in 12 years, I'll end a heated debate with Haagen Dazs in the freezer. He'd probably prefer I just admit to being wrong. I think I'd rather shop for $4 ice cream. (Okay, $3.50 at Marsh and $2.85 at Walmart).

Is it possible to have ice cream as a love language? I dare say yes, and if he has to have a vice...there are far worse I guess - than ice cream. All the Cold Stone Creamery options combined and he'd pick his favorite. I find great comfort in that, or any other vice that can be addressed with $5 in the frozen section.

For other ice cream tributes visit Crazy Hip Blog Mamas - but, Ice Cream really isn't my thing. If you want to talk about the newly discovered cosmo - do they have that in ice cream?

Cheaper to keep Her

Much to my horror, my husband has counseled several men on the "its cheaper to keep her" line of thought. I used to argue about the images that would come to any mans mind when you talked about keeping his wife, because it is, well, "cheaper." The more he would explain his concern for the emotional, spiritual and financial future of people who discarded marriage too easily - the more upset I would get that he didn't talk in terms of "love, family, covenant.........." - he's a guy.

I stumbled on these pictures over a 2 year period and I regret to say - I'm starting to fully understand my husband. With all of the media coverage focusing on "How much did Juanita Jordan get?" - I was starting to have a "it's cheaper to keep her moment." Insert new idea, "it is not cheaper for her to keep him."

I imagine that for many wives, not unlike myself, marriage can be a roller coaster ride. Early in our relationship I didn't know what to expect or how to communicate, we were 2 workaholics heading for a dangerous spiral. Twelve years and three kids later, our marriage is still a work in progress. Wonderful news is - we work and we make progress. We are a5 very blessed people over here in this household.

I try to avoid posting regularly about pop culture or issues that are disguised as news on any given day - but this whole issue of celebrity divorce is getting on my one last nerve. Marriage can take its toll. When I look at the pictures in this entry, I see a woman in transition. A woman who had to make a decision for herself what she wanted the future to look like. A woman who had lost herself in being a wife and mother, and who ultimately had to look in the mirror and decide on something new. I believe you can have everything in life - but I do not believe you can have it all at the same time. I strive for home/work/life balance - and I'm starting to like that picture of the future. Nonetheless, there is lots of work to be done.

When I hear media outlets talk about the Jordan's with the horror that Juanita might get over $150 million - my skin crawls. As a culture, we love Michael Jordan. His basketball prowess, his story of undiscovered talented done good, his work ethic, his court presence, his everything. What people seem to fail to understand is that all of the decisions in life have a price. I tend to look at "Mrs. Jordan" like I look at the wives of Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Colin Powell, and others. I believe at my core that these women could have made the decision to be and do whatever they wanted to. Reality is, having a family does have its costs. When you are raising children and planning for the future - there are times when your dreams are deferred in order to prioritize first things first. This isn't a conversation about working moms vs. stay-at-home moms, this is a testament to all moms. All wives. All women. We are value added to the equation. Juanita has been working long, hard, I imagine often times alone, to do her job well.

My theory is this - Michael Jordan wouldn't be "Michael Jordan" without Juanita. His marriage didn't change his talent, but it would have changed his entire life make-up. While he was traveling, working, dreaming of higher heights - the woman by his side for that entire time was Juanita. I have no first hand knowledge of what did or didn't happen to lead to the decision for divorce, but for anyone that is a hard choice. While it may have been cheaper to keep her in his book - evidently the cost for her got to be too much. Her emotional, physical and financial well being could no longer be tied to him. I'm saddened at the prospect. I disagree with the thought that her return on investment paid well. There are children involved and a lifetime of dealing with public scrutiny - but bottom line, this is the transition of yet another marriage covenant over. Couples in general are a dying breed.

So as Forbes does its research that basically looks like of list of "women who got too much," and publishes divorce statistics like we study trends in purchasing toys - I say enough already. Evidently one morning Juanita looked in the mirror, saw the writing on the wall, and made a decision that this isn't okay anymore. What comes out of her life investment can't be summed up in facts and figures. From one woman to another I wish her and her family well - as evidently the emotional, spiritual and financial costs are sometimes not enough to make either party stay.

Marriage commitment - Over a decade
Divorce attorney - Multiple millions
Divorce settlement - $150+ million
Embracing what life has to offer, next - Priceless

There is something about transition in life. Over at crazyhipblogmamas you can catch a few others, as they talk about transition (physical, emotional, spiritual) too!

The Wife Handbook - $9.99

"They, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives." 1 Peter 3:1

I often believe that I have missed the boat with the covenant of marriage. I have many skills, but I'm not sure that I'm particularly gifted in the execution of what I know to do - versus what my mouth and mind collaborate on. To that end I can sometimes struggle with being the wife I aspire to be. Yet, as we approach 12 years of marriage I'm sure I can offer a few lessons in the handbook for consideration.

Gratitude is Contagious

I made my husband lunch this week and he sent me an email message thanking me for my attentiveness and my efforts to feed him. I was delighted. By Martha Stewart standards - heck, by my own standards - it was no great lunch. As I packed the kids snacks and lunch for the day I assembled the traditional grade school fixins with a few extra doses of fruit. In return my husband was motivated to let me know how much it matters to him when those little packages are delivered as a reinforcement that "Somebody loves ya baby!"

It is so very simple. At a stressful time of tight resources I somehow manage to find enough for chocolate milk, Rum Raisin ice cream, Cranapple Juice and a few other non necessities. In fact, since I have given up my Starbucks and coffee for Lent, I see just how quickly those extras can add up. Love languages mean many things to different people but I'm learning the power of simple thoughtfulness. He had gratitude for lunch and I in turn thought about some of the things I'm thankful for.

The Wife Handbook didn't tell me when I got married that I would value the killing of spiders. On the contrary I was raised to handle domestic issues on my own. I don't require anyone to help me in that situation - but I prefer it. I prefer my husband putting fuel in the car, taking out the garbage, checking the tire pressure and a myriad of things that I consider perks. I just recognized this week that I rarely say anything about them - ever. I have however started to realize just how contagious gratitude can be.

I am thankful that I don't do the bedtime routine for my children most nights. I used to feel incredibly bad that I would rather take a deep breath then fight through one more hour of routine. Kissing those little faces is a wonderful joy and I don't underestimate its powerful touch on a very hard day. I decided some years ago that this was an experience that I would happily share with my husband as he created his memories. Throughout the day I have a variety of little mommyisms that will forever define my time with my children. Daddy has a special way of doing bedtime that sends screaching voices running up the steps to avoid being caught by the tickle monster of the title of Rotten Stinky Egg. I appreciate that he takes that time on at the end of the day and I still get many a kiss, hug and I Love You - even if every bed time story is not mine. I appreciate that about my husband.

I appreciate that in 12 years of marriage his words have been kind. I could quote 1,500 scriptures, stories and lessons about the power of the tongue and mine is still not tame. My husband has worked to use his words in a way that does not destroy even at the most intense fellowship times. I am thankful that on many days he'd rather be happy than right, a skill learned later in life as I look upon my own growth and maturity.

After spending many years thinking about the Princess Wedding that never was, I have come to appreciate our simple choice in many ways. We are still married and in the covenant for the long haul. Even though we did not have an elaborate celebration our 12 years speaks to something stonger than I imagined. I may have one of those big anniversary parties one day, but my life doesn't hedge on when it will happen. I get unexpected compliments on a regular basis about my wedding ring, the traditional symbol of the marriage union. For many years I had a slow growing discontent that my ring wasn't all that I had dreamed. Sometime around our 7th year anniversary my dear husband remedied that issue no questions asked. I'm not in awe of the diamond unless you are referring to my husband himself. The simple band that now compliments is a reminder that small steps can be miraculous when done in synch with someone else.

Our society treats marriage as disposable. I can only imagine the feelings of Sarah and Abraham after a lifetime together of not having their deepest hearts desires met. Sarah, much like me, tried to solve the situation on her own. How often have you tried to fix a problem only to make it larger? In our current treatment of relationships there is little earthly reward for commitment and resilience. I believe we have both. I am encouraged by the fact that God used this couple in their older age and maturity to teach valuable lessons about faith and being faithful. Those lessons need to be taught to aspiring couples today.

The Wife Handbook has so many lessons to teach. My satisfaction in marriage today rests in the contagious nature of gratitude. I am thankful for my husband and his grace for me. Now...I might talk about some other issues in later posts, but for today, GRATITUDE.