The Mommy Wars

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children" (Titus 2:3-4)

The Mommy Wars need a referree. (Or maybe they just need a full night of sleep.) The controversy could make any mere mortal incredibly tired.

I believe older women have the ability to teach and reach mothers in a way that can be missed by the average woman in the average experience. There has been an ongoing debate about what is best for women, or what is best for the children, depending on how the issue is addressed. Are you a stay at home mother? Are you a working mother? Are you present for your family? If you are a mother do you even have time to read further?

For starters, I know few mothers that aren't working. If you have children and you meet their basic needs - you work. Yet, if you allow the media to define the debate - it centers around women who stay at home and women who pursue professional careers. I think that approach to the debate misses the boat on many different levels. Early in my approach to parenting I rejoiced in the stay-at-home sisterhood. I eventually came to guard my choices and my values closely, without the time nor energy to argue about what decisions adult women make. I don't think that decision is the issue at all. The benefit of the doubt says we all do the best that we can.

Every mother I know aspires to do the best for their children. They make choices designed to protect the future of their children, educate them, nurture them, provide for them, love them and grow them into the best possible human beings. No two women approach that commitment in exactly the same way. The challenge as women and as mothers is to find the most authentic way to achieve those goals without losing the ability to reach your fullest potential as a person. To that end, it truly is about choices. The choices should have the well being of children at their core.

Second only to the debate about mommy wars, is my complete irritation at the comment, "you are lucky to stay at home." I have worked outside the home professionally in a full time job, I have worked as a consultant through my own business (ALlyd Image Solutions) and I have been a full time mother. Nothing was based on luck in any of those experiences. Each had a variety of benefits as well as challenges, and unfortunately I was able to see the impact of our choices on our children at every turn. Maybe I should say fortunately - as we ultimately have tailored our decisions around our values as well as our circumstances. The two can't be mutually exclusive. We don't live in a perfect world.

All of this leads to a debt of gratitude for women who have been willing to nurture and mentor me in my pursuit of meeting the needs of my family. As women, I believe there is an inherent nature of competion and comparison. The grass can indeed seem a much greener hue on the other side. I have grown as a result of women who have been willing, poised and prepared to help me to reach my ultimate goals. Isn't that a better measure of a woman? After all - the grass appears greener for many reasons. In some instances it may indeed be more green - but you have to wonder what the fertilizer was to make it that way?

Women have the potential to provide each other a tremendous support system. Support should not take the form of a critique of the parenting style you decide upon - but rather the ability to help each other in growing the next generation. I have been blessed with women who have shared their experiences, learned from their own choices and been able to excel in diverse pursuits. Yes, you can have it all I've been told - but you can not have it all at the same time. And with time being in short supply - less time should be spent on the Mommy Wars and more time dedicated to parenting the next generation. That includes both mothers and children. Mothers continue to be the primary caregivers for children and our responsibility should not focus on selecting who is right - but enriching the opportunity for children to have complete lives.

I was caught off guard with my third pregnancy and in a bit of denial about the future. I was approaching a self imposed depression when someone very close to me began rejoicing about the news. Her zeal about our ability to raise another child and her gratitude to God for my life gave me a new found energy to embrace the future. With the increasing costs of life in general we are also paying a cost for our choices. There are lessons that seasoned mothers can communicate to the next generation that can serve to help those emerging moms. We can all use all the help our hearts can hold on any given day.

The Lessons I Would Share - 3 Children Later:

1. Life is short and childhood is shorter. We are entrusted with raising our children for such a short season that we must embrace each moment with an unwaivering commitment. Children are true gifts and we have an opportunity to help them reach their fullest potential. That investment requires time, love and commitment.

2. Quality relationships matter. Children witness real life in what they see at home. The relationship that they see between their parents is of primary importance. When a child can see the interaction, respect, partnership, quarrels, joy, fun and persistance of relationship in action they have the opportunity to learn first hand the many aspects of true love.

3. Surrounding yourself with incredible women can make all the difference. There is something to be said about women who are willing to share the lessons of their life and to pray you through the challenges and obstacles that are inevitable. Investing in the lives of other women is powerful. When people work to build each other up there is a synergy that assists in your personal development. Not every lesson in life needs to be learned first hand. Our society is made more rich when older, more mature, established women reach out and nurture the next generation. Wisdom is a wonderful life lesson.

The less we engage in the war about motherhood - the more likely we can invest that time in helping each other to thrive. Being a mother is the hardest and most rewarding work of my lifetime. I'm not a half-bad consultant either, though.

Tough Times Don't Last

I love quotes. For a very long time I've reflected on them for motivation and inspiration. There is however, a love/hate relationship with quotes and trite "pick me up" statements that don't mean much at all. I remain amazed at the number of people who ask "how are you doing?" and frankly don't even care. Those people are traditionally gone before you can even utter a polite response. I digress. One of the statements that creates conflict for me... is Tough Times Don't Last....Tough People Do.

That brings me to today. I had the opportunity to chat with a friend of mine, and we have had our share of tough times. Lately, we've been going through a really rough patch. I guess I didn't know how rough - however, until tonight. We were going through our traditional set of talking points - husband, children, work, professional aspirations, Christian character and the like when my friend suggested the unthinkable. "I got a call from somebody today about that idea we had a year ag0 - she wants to talk about partnering." The words stung a bit - a combination of the reality check about our inaction - coupled with the idea of compromising our promise - for current, real, urgent - NEEDS.

It may sound like the suggestion was light, collegial even, but I was just pushed out of my mind. I may sound a bit crazed even. I could rant about how someone who doesn't even speak on a half regular basis wants to now "collaborate" on any topic to build women. I could even digress on the new tendency to spur workshops, trainings and motivational seminars from women who lack transparency and honesty in such a way that people leave feeling like they have to have it all to be successful. The pursuit of the S on the chest of the American woman continues to be a myth that I no longer subscribe to. Can women have it all????? Sure, and you can die pursuing it. But that isn't what I'm writing about. Maybe next post.

I was caught off guard that my friend had been driven to consider a partnership with someone who has failed to demonstrate some of the core values that we hold. This isn't a statement about my friend - it is a statement about hard times. Tough times will make you look at options you would never otherwise consider. If you aren't careful, tough times can define you in ways that erase who you are at your core. It happens slowly, one crisis at a time, one experience at a time, one challenge after another. I know it all too well.

Tough people last, but do they last in the same condition? Can they preserve their fierce nature, their creativity, their lease on life - in the midsts of severe crisis? Maybe. I guess we are in the middle of that test. I will only speak for myself, I am in the midst of that test. In difficult times I have to guard against what I am willing to do in order to succeed. Hanging by a thread, there are times when I will consider a consulting client or a project that I would otherwise avoid. The cost of self-employment is pricey for many reasons - not the least of which is selling yourself. My product is me. My training ability, my speaking ability, my experience in development and when you look at the common denominator - its me. At the end of the day, my ability to last during tough times has to be centrally connected to both who I am and who I aspire to be.

I aspire to have such a level of integrity that I wouldn't partner with anyone who I didn't respect. I mean really respect. I aspire to be the person who fully lives the lessons I teach and train. Sometimes I fall short. I aspire to be the type of friend and business colleague that looks conflict in the face and is able to see a clear vision for resolution. I aspire to be so tuned into God and what He has planned for my life - that I do not waiver or linger in things that are not for me. What God has for me I know that it is for me. In the mean time, I need to last in a way that serves a greater good. I wish there was payment associated with figuring out how to last - authentically.

Either it will get figured out - or my friend is going to fire me. She unfortunately, got the full rant. Partnering with perfect people that really aren't - PUUUUUUHHHHHHHLEEASSSSSSSSSSSSSE.
Tough people last. TOGETHER.

I almost didn't

I almost didn't start this blog because I thought, my angels in heaven are going to have their work cut out. I upon occassion can string together words that are better left unused by the Christian wife and mother of three that I aspire to be. Then I decided - who am I protecting? Am I protecting those dear to me that I will probably write about, myself - because my imperfections may be gleaming brigther than the morning sky, or whom... I decided I would rather just write.

There are times when I have shared with a very good friend that her book (Godly in nature) and my book (yet unwritten) will probably never compete against each other. Hers will be a Christian audience and mine may cater more closely to the heathens in the world. The reality is - we both have a necessary cross-over audience. Then this past Sunday, our church was talking about all the heathens that God used. I was soo proud to be in good company.

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk

Abraham was too old

Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar

Leah was ugly

Joseph was abused

Moses had a stuttering problem

Gideon was afraid

Samson had long hair and was a womanizer, Rahab was a prostitute, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David had an affair and was a murderer, Elijah was suicidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Christ, The Disciples fell asleep while praying, Martha worried about everything, The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once Zaccheus was too small, Paul was too religious, Timothy had an ulcer...AND Lazarus was dead!

No more excuses now. God can use you to your full potential.

Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger!

Short thoughts...

Posting on the group youthworkers@yahoogroups.com (group is now closed)

• God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
• Dear God, I have a problem, it's me.
• Growing old is inevitable. Growing UP is optional.
• There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
• Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
• Do the math. count your blessings.
• Faith is the ability to not panic.
• Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
• If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
• As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
• Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
• The most important things in your house are the people.
• When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
• A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
• He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

If you are interested in learning more about her book visit:
http://www.makingachangellc.com/

If you are interested in learning more about my book - pray with me. I'm still wondering what God is going to use me for - but I know its going to be something big.