Raising Self-Confidence in Girls

My mother is a forward queen. She sends many articles and inspirational notes to my attention, but few have been as interesting as an article about a 17 year old aspiring film student, Kiri Davis. She made a short documentary about the impact of color and the ongoing debate about beauty standards featuring several young African-American women. The highlight of the film is a recreation of the experiment that was used in the historic Brown vs. the board of education case regarding education and segregation.

In her film, "A Girl Like Me ," Davis attempts, and succeeds, to complete an updated version of the experiment from the 1940s in which black children were given a black doll and a white doll, and then asked which one they thought was better, nice or "good." The sad case in this our current society is that they consistently chose the white doll.

I remember growing up in a predominately white school and aspiring to be Wonder Woman. That dream was never shattered, because I shared that aspiration with the only other African-American girl in my class. She was my savior in that regard. We were close for many reasons, the most essential - our common life experience. Together, though, we extended our hair, used aluminum foil for jewelry and embraced images of beauty that were not our own. Those thoughts could disappear - but I too see that not much has changed. Now we both have daughters of our own.

As the mother of a little girl I am both encouraged and discouraged with Kiri's work. I'm encouraged because she herself - a bright, creative, articulate and beautiful black young woman demonstrates the potential of young women in our society. I'm equally saddened by the number of little girls who without thought or hesitation selected the white doll. There is clearly more work to be done.

The reflections of the young women in the film speak to the Hollywood standard of beauty and their place in this society. They talk about their families, their hair, our ancestry and it is a painful reminder of all our children are forced to endure. My own daughter, with ample dolls of every hue, has been at odds over our relocation. "The girls ask me why my hair isn't out" she said to me just this past weekend. The words stung, as she is the only Black girl in her class and the twists, bows, braids and crossed tribute to Princess Leah are not enough to remove her from the white standard of beauty. Her hair is not out, in free form, flowing like her classmates.

As we continue our job as her parents to secure, build and reinforce her self-esteem - we know that our work is cut out for us. We have been playing Brandy's version of Cinderella for the last 4 days - because I was tired of the Disney array of princess consumption, for my daughter and my sons. We love American Girl products - from the Addy series to the modern girls of today, but Addy was a slave and we haven't seen a doll of the year yet that reflects a Black girl in our modern society. Doll choices and selections have changed, true, but it isn't all for the better.

The Bratz collection is still beyond me - dolls that reflect the worst parts of our society - belly out, skirts that show more than a little leg, hip hop gear and ice marketed to an audience of pre-school and elementary age girls. Our role as mothers, mentors and role models has to be to raise and elevate the expectations for girls in our society. There is no shortage of toy options - but we as parents have to fully invest in developing secure, well-adjusted and beautiful girls - from the inside out. Kiri Davis is proof that it is indeed possible. I'm proud of the potential the future holds.

When we look in the mirror we are faced with the collection of images that have shaped our thoughts, no matter what is looking back at us. Kiri Davis reminded me as a mother about the necessity to overcompensate for what the media, classroom, dolls, peers, etc. have to offer. Motherhood offers so much in the opportunity to raise the next generation. As evidenced by her video - our job should not only be to build up our own children, but the children of our greater community as well.

NFL (No Fun League)

Fall Creek Baptist Church wanted to host a SuperBowl Party. They were going to play the game on their mega screen and host a venue for their church members to enjoy the game. Undoubtedly, someone not affiliated with the church would have come out to enjoy the experience too. It was a tremendous outreach opportunity. For a league that saw more references to God for the championship games than 4 letter profanity options...I would have thought this was an easy one. Go Colts! Ummmm, not so much.

http://football.about.com/b/a/257989.htm

The NFL contacted the church to tell them to cancel the party. They sighted their Neilsen ratings, their copyright on the term, and displayed in the course of it all why dignity and character are rare in pro sports. You can't make me believe that this one party would have mattered that much. How many central Indiana residents were going to leave their Neilsen boxes at home to go to the church - few if any I'd bet. The NFL has simply taken this to an extreme.

All across America we'll be watching the game, at least many of us will. If you want to go to a bar, hang out in a club, get your drink on - have at it. If you want to go to the church to watch it though - beware. The NFL has enough time on its hand to edit church displays of the game while we get treated to ice times - pictures and stories about how many diamonds the players have on any given day. Instead of watching what the churches host on their coveted day, they would do well to invest in image control the other 364 days a year. After all, Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are the exceptions to the rule. They are not the norm in a culture that practices hero worship for poor behavior, monetary excess and stud behavior by athletes far and wide.

I understand image control and licensing. The business of sports is not lost on me and I appreciate what the power of this one event can do in a community after attending the Detroit SuperBowl festivities in 0 degree weather. I just can't help but believe that the NFL should pick its battles more wisely. God is given the glory on the sidelines and I would just assume that watching the game in His house shouldn't have been the issue that it was. I would rant more - this is absolutely ridiculous - but I'd hate to take away from the dignity of those who have elevated the game atleast for this week. Fall Creek Baptist Church had the right approach - and maybe those who have dignified the game this year can add some balance to the NFL and their choice of who to shut down. Somebody that they listen to should whisper in their collective ear - this isn't just about the ratings. How about some display of compassion for a people who would bring more of a following with their licensed shirts, themed party merchandise and love of the game than the NFL can stand to lose. One more example of cut nose - spite face.

Tough Times Don't Last

I love quotes. For a very long time I've reflected on them for motivation and inspiration. There is however, a love/hate relationship with quotes and trite "pick me up" statements that don't mean much at all. I remain amazed at the number of people who ask "how are you doing?" and frankly don't even care. Those people are traditionally gone before you can even utter a polite response. I digress. One of the statements that creates conflict for me... is Tough Times Don't Last....Tough People Do.

That brings me to today. I had the opportunity to chat with a friend of mine, and we have had our share of tough times. Lately, we've been going through a really rough patch. I guess I didn't know how rough - however, until tonight. We were going through our traditional set of talking points - husband, children, work, professional aspirations, Christian character and the like when my friend suggested the unthinkable. "I got a call from somebody today about that idea we had a year ag0 - she wants to talk about partnering." The words stung a bit - a combination of the reality check about our inaction - coupled with the idea of compromising our promise - for current, real, urgent - NEEDS.

It may sound like the suggestion was light, collegial even, but I was just pushed out of my mind. I may sound a bit crazed even. I could rant about how someone who doesn't even speak on a half regular basis wants to now "collaborate" on any topic to build women. I could even digress on the new tendency to spur workshops, trainings and motivational seminars from women who lack transparency and honesty in such a way that people leave feeling like they have to have it all to be successful. The pursuit of the S on the chest of the American woman continues to be a myth that I no longer subscribe to. Can women have it all????? Sure, and you can die pursuing it. But that isn't what I'm writing about. Maybe next post.

I was caught off guard that my friend had been driven to consider a partnership with someone who has failed to demonstrate some of the core values that we hold. This isn't a statement about my friend - it is a statement about hard times. Tough times will make you look at options you would never otherwise consider. If you aren't careful, tough times can define you in ways that erase who you are at your core. It happens slowly, one crisis at a time, one experience at a time, one challenge after another. I know it all too well.

Tough people last, but do they last in the same condition? Can they preserve their fierce nature, their creativity, their lease on life - in the midsts of severe crisis? Maybe. I guess we are in the middle of that test. I will only speak for myself, I am in the midst of that test. In difficult times I have to guard against what I am willing to do in order to succeed. Hanging by a thread, there are times when I will consider a consulting client or a project that I would otherwise avoid. The cost of self-employment is pricey for many reasons - not the least of which is selling yourself. My product is me. My training ability, my speaking ability, my experience in development and when you look at the common denominator - its me. At the end of the day, my ability to last during tough times has to be centrally connected to both who I am and who I aspire to be.

I aspire to have such a level of integrity that I wouldn't partner with anyone who I didn't respect. I mean really respect. I aspire to be the person who fully lives the lessons I teach and train. Sometimes I fall short. I aspire to be the type of friend and business colleague that looks conflict in the face and is able to see a clear vision for resolution. I aspire to be so tuned into God and what He has planned for my life - that I do not waiver or linger in things that are not for me. What God has for me I know that it is for me. In the mean time, I need to last in a way that serves a greater good. I wish there was payment associated with figuring out how to last - authentically.

Either it will get figured out - or my friend is going to fire me. She unfortunately, got the full rant. Partnering with perfect people that really aren't - PUUUUUUHHHHHHHLEEASSSSSSSSSSSSSE.
Tough people last. TOGETHER.