My Sisterhood is Changing....

Motherhood is not a silo experience.  

Not in my world, not in the way my children have experienced life.  I'm understanding more and more, my sisterhood and my life, are changing.

A few months ago I wrote a post about the juggling that happens in motherhood.  I thought it would be a light release of all the things related to ordering your inner and outer world.  I used the language that was freely used in my circle to define the special crazy that is being a mother.  I didn't expect what came next, a reminder that change is the only constant. 

I have 3 children at three different schools, they ride three different buses, for three different start times.  No pity necessary, but it is the lens that colors how I view life.  The sisterhood has always been another way to view life - sometimes being reminded how much to be thankful for or how much laughter is necessary when I've managed to lose my way.  I'm thankful for my sisterfriends and the sisterhood that supports me in this journey.  The sisterhood is just changing.

My mother was famous for saying, "Life isn't fair, the sooner you learn it the better you'll be."  She also said, "Everyone isn't going to like you, you better figure out how to be your own best friend."  I didn't realize then how hard she had to parent a bit of a sensitive child that was attracted to justice, equity and a belief that life should be full of roses.  The reality is even in my earliest of days, she was teaching me lessons for the future.

In my Christian walk I am reminded, we were never promised life without pain or hardship.  Motherhood is a very special club and I have evolved to understand, your circle can change just as your life changes.  Change can be necessary and difficult all at the same time.  I just believe firmly, the journey is made better with true friends. 

If you read my posts, you'll know that I have often talked about my wife reality, from Domestic Sexy to things I just don't understand, like the Fear of Laundry completion.  None of those things defines life overall, but I think the reality of being a mother and being a wife are elements of the same story, my story.  I couldn't be the mother that I am without having my husband, the one that accepts my flaws and knows my heart.   I am also a better mother because of the truest of sisterfriends that continue to build my experiences in this journey.

I was blessed with an unexpected post about my philanthropy during this August celebration of Black Philanthropy month #BPM2013.  The questions made me reflect on my work and my dreams, in addition to my understanding of motherhood and this sisterhood.  I have been blessed with Aunties, Godparents, Grandma's, Granny's, Women of the Church, Neighbors, Parents of the Kids friends, 2nd Family Members, etc., to round out that support network that allows so much more than I every realized.  You can read my Ms. Eva post to learn more. 

No matter how complex life gets, there should always be... 

1) Someone who knows your heart, and loves you anyway.  

2) A sisterhood that holds you up, at your best and at your worst.  

3) A group that shares your values and aspirations.

4) Someone to travel with and a family to play date with. 

5) Someone who can run faster, jump higher, cook better, excel quicker than you.  Aspiration and competition work hand in hand, when you encourage and acknowledge each other. 

I don't know how mothers make it work.  I'm not certain how you handle your mama schedule, mama lessons, mama date nights and mama friends.  I do know, if you are one of those life altering anchors or very special ride or die friends, I hope someone has told you thank you.  Life changes, your sisterhood may change, but the need for "your circle" should not change.  Today I'm wondering, how do you handle the changes?

Who's Got Your Back?

I really had the best of intentions - a lesson about everyone in life having something missing.  I had been reflecting on my teaching assignment for our Teen Ministry and had a relatively rare set of nerves about talking to this audience.  I had come to believe that it mattered to me so much, that there were butterflies in my stomach for several days.  This seems nuts to me.

As a trainer, facilitator and speaker - this is what I do.  I teach lessons all the time, and given that I did indeed prepare the lesson in advance, I couldn't understand why my stomach did turns.  Fast forward, I have their attention, we are in an active dialogue, I'm elated that they are talking about the characteristics that define relationship and then I decide... it is time for the illustration.  I'm leading up to the most important relationship in our lives... the one with God.  At least that is what I thought.

With a bakers dozen of mixed up bagels and cream cheese one unseasoned teen teacher heads down what was a very clear pathway in my mind.  "We are all born with something missing.  No matter what we try to do to fill the hole, we will always have that something missing.  We tend to fill that hole with stuff - hobbies, activities, a need for attention, material things, music, overcompensation, people.  We fill the hole with people, often broken people just like us.  We keep putting the wrong things in the hole and it never gets filled up."  I just kept going.  

The facial expressions went from interested and engaged to "um, is she going to say that one more time?" And yes, for effect, I did indeed keep asking about that empty hole being filled in. Let's just say...I am working to readjust my memory of the lesson and combine pre and post bagel teaching, forever erasing the bagel illustration.  In fact, I'm hoping my confidence and dignity return any day now.

But....I'm not a teen.  As I write, I am drifting back to that lesson of, "Who's Got Your  Back?" As I taught about the importance of relationships and the characteristics that signify a true, good, beneficial relationship, I was reminded that teens aren't the only ones who need to be reminded about choices.  We can fill the empty places with many things, but I believe God is the only one that can make us whole.  With that being said, isolation does not build up, it only tears down.  I believe we work out our salvation in fellowship with other people.

Fast forward to today and the importance of relationships was all around me.  Who do you call when things aren't going well? Who do you call when its time to celebrate? Who do you look forward to spending your special days with? Who seeks out the opportunity to spend time with you? What relationships are you building? What opportunities exist to sow into the lives of others? When is too much too much? Are we clear about who has our back?

Four decades of life, you must know who has your back.  I'm a creature of habit and patterns, a planner, prone to do things in a relatively consistent manner.  I also recognize that my love language is some odd combination of acts of service, quality time and words of affirmation... in that order with a rare gift at times to linger in my mind for months after it has been given.  Yet, for those that have my back, acts of service and quality time are a no brainer - it is a requirement.  I was teaching a lesson that the kids needed to hear, but I could have been teaching to a room full of adults.  We tend to try to fill in spaces with stuff that doesn't quite get it, then we match ourselves up with something that looks or seems good, but doesn't quite result in success.  We are seekers of becoming whole.

In a classic Huxtable moment, Claire (one of my favorite iconic moms) runs after Rudy with a sandwich that she had made for her lunch.  Mom encounters a child who openly admits, "Peanut butter and tuna sounded really good, but once I put it together it just didn't look good enough to eat."  She looked at it and decided to leave it.  A seven  year old demonstrated something very valuable - you don't carry the mess you made with you once you realize it is simply a mess.

We spend a lifetime putting things together that might have seemed or sounded really good, when in actuality they don't go together at all.  When we seek to understand, examine or expand who's got our back, time and investment is required.  GIGO.  You can dress it up, fill in the gaps, make it look good - but nothing tastes as good as being fulfilled feels.  That fulfillment can't come from folks, friends, sistergirls or besties....but when you have the right ones by your side, they assuredly make the journey better.

Bad illustration for teens, maybe.  For me, a good reminder to pick carefully and keep those priorities in order along the way.  Who's got your back at one stage of life doesn't make it a permanent fit.  God is an awesome, full-time, available and unchanging God.  He also gives us some wonderful people for our journey.   Who's Got Your Back?  You ought to know.

Trusting unfaithful people when you are in trouble is like eating with a broken tooth or walking with a crippled foot.  Proverbs 25:19  I tell you, I have been on a writing hiatus.  Based on this scripture, I need not be on a reading hiatus.... rich, rich word indeed.

A LifeStyle of Gratitude

Some days I take a long hiatus from writing. I have a little pity party called, "Is this going anywhere?" I learn that my blogging has increased readership because of a picture of Usher, and I think that I am really just talking to myself. Sometimes I get emails from friends about my blog, but they didn't leave a comment they just wrote me directly. Enter unexpected blessing.

Today I got a note from someone who I don't know regarding my writing. She took time out of her busy schedule to write and encourage me . Transparency can be so unflattering, the illusion of perfection quickly falls with self-examination. It is so nice to know that your personal rants touch someone else.

We are entering our 12th year of marriage. We have three beautiful children. God shows off and out on a regular basis in our lives - and I am encouraged that His plan for our life means that we are truly VICTORIOUS in the end. When we pray for folks we don't know we would like to believe its people like my writer today who are blessed.

Check out her comment to me...I'm forever grateful for it.

Thank you for your time, consistency, and encouragement. 
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I have been reading your comments and blogs (it all started when I got
married last month and did a search on how to "be a better wife"). You
have inspired me in ways that you cannot imagine, and I created an
account here specifically to thank you. I constantly fiind myself
mentally "out of breath" with working (as a paralegal) and having a
"man's man" as a husband (hence, servitude at work and at home) and
there have been days that I needed the encouragement that I was doing
the right thing, or needed guidance on how to I should have handled a
situation. I just wanted to thank you and let you know that you ARE
being heard, and I am sure that there are many more who appreciate the
time to take to share and advise.....

Thank you.